Humour - page 46
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A picture of the sea: It took me a long time to figure it out. And most importantly without photoshop. ))
I laughed for a long time:
http://news.mail.ru/inworld/ukraina/global/112/politics/9603016/?frommail=1
Former Prime Minister Yuliya Tymoshenko's defence counsel Serhiy Vlasenko intends to file a statement on today's
assault as required by applicable law.
>Two armies converged on the Kulikovo field. Two bogatyrs - Peresvet and Chelubey - came forward and began to fight.
Chelubey strikes with his mace. The heavy club of the Basurman and the terrible blow fell upon the Russian hero: Peresvet's feet penetrated the wet earth up to his knees.
However Peresvet withstood and struck with a club. And Chelubey's feet went knee-deep... ...into the ass... The Russian land didn't accept the Basurman's feet.
***
Publisher to translator:
- You don't translate, so we won't pay for the gaps.
- All right, I'll send you the translation without spaces.
***
Respondents were shown a photo and asked: - What does it mean? In the picture: a restaurant, a table set and a man lying face down in a salad. Russians replied: - Drunk. In all other countries: - Dead.
***
A real driver should not count how many passers-by he has hit on the road. The driver's job is to drive, not to be amused by statistics!
***
- I picked three buckets of mushrooms in the woods yesterday for my mother-in-law.
- What if they're poisonous?
- What do you mean "suddenly"?!
***
The neighbours are talking:
- My neighbour's been making moonshine all weekend again!
- How do you know?!?
- His rabbits beat my dog's face in again!!!
***
How do you tie a sailor's knot?
1. You roll up the headphones carefully.
2. Put them in your pocket.
3. You take it out and you're done!
***
- Mum, let's get a kitten!
- No daughter, when he grows up he'll poop in the corners!
- What about the tiger cub?
- No, when he grows up, we'll poop in the corners.
***
The length of the Earth's equator is L = 40,000 kilometres.
We put 40 buoys along the equator at equal distances from each other. We synchronize the clocks. At
the first buoy flashes for one thousandth of a second, then the second buoy flashes for one
one thousandth of a second and so on. As a result, the flare makes a complete circle around
equator in time t = 40*0.001 = 0.04 seconds. The aliens see the flare running across
Earth at speed v = L / t = 40,000/0.04 = 1 million kilometres per second, which is three
more than three times the speed of light, and... are freaking out.
A 10 -y averaging usually shows that the trend is not in your direction )
dropped a rouble and there's 20 roubles under the counter!
that's what the exchange means. Just gambled on the falling rouble :)
Chelyabinsk financiers are so harsh that they pay taxes to the budget in black cash.
sin: everyone says that the Jews sold Russia...
sin: but how could they sell it, because first they had to buy it!!!
sin: no, they just shorted it!!!
They bury a trader, who died at work of a broken heart.
One of them says to another: "If the dead man had lived ten minutes longer, he would have surely got a stop-loss.
An analyst is asked:
- Tell me, do your forecasts always coincide?
- Of course they always do, only the dates sometimes do not match...
Analysts who give forecasts are divided into two classes:
- Those who do not know what will happen.
- Those who don't know they don't know it.
The analyst is the expert who will know tomorrow why what he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Yay! Guessed the entry point......... Eh, wrong direction.
First Rule of the Exchange. Who knows - does not tell, who says - does not know.
Exchange statistics is like a swimming costume: what it reveals is very important.
But what it hides is much more interesting.
Bought EUR - sold EUR, flat, car...
Trader in a casino.
The roulette wheel turns red three times in a row.
Trader: Hmm, it's a trend!
How did you manage to make a small profit today?
- I started with a big profit.
Announcement:
We employ a trader, gender and age do not matter, the salary - very high, free work schedule, holidays - anywhere in the world, at any time. Condition: Buy cheaper, sell more expensive.
And Cinderella lost a slipper at midnight...
and another slipper...
and all her fortune...
That's how badly the market closed!
The perfect trader doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't gamble, never argues and doesn't exist.
By order of the FSFM, a fall of less than 8% is considered a rise.
A portfolio investor is a failed trader. And a strategic investor is a failed portfolio investor.
Captain, captain! Iceberg on the ship's course!
-Isberg? at the ship's rate? no - expensive...
A phrase from the Trust Deed:
"In case of unforeseen success ......"
Most traders do not suffer from megalomania, .... they enjoy it.
What is the difference between a trader and God? God never thinks he is a trader.
I used to want to have a drink or two in such a volatile market. And now I don't want to miss a single drink...
For Russian trader a failure is just an excuse to drink, and luck is also an opportunity to have a good meal.
Setting a stop-loss is like using a condom: it is not so much fun, but it is safe.
- Today is just such a day: even the dollar is down, - embarrassed the trader excused himself to his girlfriend.
***
Respondents were shown a photo and asked: - What does it mean? In the picture: a restaurant, a table set and a man lying face down in a salad. Russians replied: - Drunk. In all other countries: - Dead.
***
When I was at university, working in the evenings and sleeping for three hours, I once passed out on a bus.
The bus at 0:30 was taking a shift from the factory. When I woke up - there was a noise in my head, the passengers were discussing the drinking youths and no one thought I was really sick.
A 10-average usually shows that the trend is not in your direction )