[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 731
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Denis, I don't go to work. But it's not a rock. I just play poker on the side.
Classmates were "treated" to gifts from DEMOTIVATORS.RU
Fucking hell, they're out of their fucking minds.... Already in the textbooks, too, propaganda for use..... Isn't there enough on TV?
The blonde comes running to the doctor:
- Doctor, help me! I've been stung by a bumblebee!
- That's all right, we'll put some ointment on it.
- But how will you catch it? The bumblebee must have flown away by now!
- No, I'll put ointment on the place where it bit you.
- Ah, it was in the park, on a bench, under a tree.
Doctor, rolling his eyes:
- No, I'll anoint the part of your body where the bumblebee bit you and it'll go away.
- You should have said so, Doctor! A bumblebee stung my finger.
- Which one?
- How should I know? All bumblebees look the same to me.
***
Anything a woman has forgiven you, she's bound to remind you of someday...
***
- Oh, Lenka, you've lost so much weight! I didn't even recognize you, diet?
- Yes, carrots, potatoes and beets...
- How did you cook?
- Digging.
***
It's 3:30 in the morning. Suddenly, the neighbour downstairs bangs on the door! Honestly, I was so freaked out, I almost fell off my stool.
- Pash, listen - your last name is Black, right?
- Yeah, well...
- Name your son Cloak. You know, at school, "Blackcoat, to the blackboard! ".
***
The sysadmin always thought he was king of the network... until the electrician came along...
***
Two mates meet, one's got a black eye. - "What happened?" - "I had a fight with Petrov." - "But you're stronger than Petrov, you could have punched him!" - "Yeah, but he had a knife in his hand..." - "And you?" - "I had Petrov's wife's breast in my hand... It's nice, but it's useless in a fight!!!"
***
- Yesterday, our boss held an office championship in spider and gossamer...
- And what were the prizes?
- The three winners got kicked out of work.
***
The foreman gives the painters two cans of paint and the job is to paint a wall.
Lunchtime. The men are too lazy to work and want a drink. They decide to drink one can. To get away, they smear paint on the face of a horse standing nearby.
The foreman arrives at the end of the day: everybody's drunk and the wall is unpainted.
- Why wasn't it finished?
- There wasn't enough paint.
- I even gave you extra for the fence.
- So the horse drank, he's standing there with paint all over his face.
- He's still alive, the bastard ate a pallet of bricks a week ago.