[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 144

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A friend who builds cookers and fireplaces for a living told a story. He was laying a fireplace for a man. And when he was already laying the chimney, he sensed that they wanted to knock him over for money. So the stove-maker took action. When it came to the payment, it turned out that the money to him much less than the agreement. He said: "OK, if that's the case, try to heat your fireplace." Greedy stoked the fireplace and got a room full of quality and dense smoke. Imbued with the thought that the cunning stovemaker had clogged the chimney with something, he stuck his head into the fireplace and looked up. The answer was a blue sky in the chimney mouth above. He lit it again - again a room full of smoke. He looked down the chimney again - the sky was visible.
He had to give the missing money to the stove-maker. After that, the foreman climbed up on the roof and threw half a brick into the chimney. That's a safety net just in case.
 

A story that once happened at the former Military Institute of Foreign Languages.
A call to the institute from the Ministry of Defence: *An Angolan interpreter is needed! A car is on its way! * Well, the man on duty thinks:
*What, they don't know it's Portuguese in Angola?
All right, so he calls the faculty. And all the students with Portuguese have gone on leave. Finally they catch some guy with Spanish, tell him: *Go to the Ministry of Defence, Portuguese and Spanish are the same, translate it somehow!*
So he arrives, they tell him, "You're going to translate the film. They took him to a booth, gave him a microphone, some lieutenant colonel was sitting next to him just in case.
The interpreter looks on - there are generals gathering in the hall. At last the light goes out and the film starts.
And then the listener says to the Lieutenant Colonel:
- Listen, it's not Angolan! It's Mongolian!
And he says to him:
- You're an interpreter? So translate!
Well, nothing to do, he looks at the screen. And there are two Mongols
riding their horses in the middle of the steppe and talking to each other
about something. And he translates:
- Hello!
- Hello.
- How are you?
- Nothing.
- Have you had your harvest?
- Yes, thank you.
At that moment, the man speaking draws his sword and beheads the other man. The interpreter says:
- That's how collectivization started in Mongolia!
Then there were scenes from medieval life, and the guy translated as best he could, but what's interesting is that the generals loved the film!
That's the story.

 
Sitting with my wife at the cottage on a Saturday evening, drinking freshly picked raspberries with red wine. I suddenly find a large caterpillar about three centimetres long, no less. I take it out, put it on a plastic jar lid and treat it to two drops of wine. The caterpillar makes a few epileptic movements and freezes, occasionally twitching its body parts.
- That's it, it's dead. The drinking caterpillar is doomed to extinction," says my wife.
- The hell no! - I object. - It will wake up in the morning. At most, with a terrible hangover.
There was no caterpillar on the lid in the morning. I found it on the wine trail:
she drowned in a cup of water...
 
One of my wife's friends came home after their New Year's Eve bachelorette party together in a specifically upbeat mood. Late evening. But it's not night yet. Husband's not home. She called him - he said he was running late. After that, she collapsed into bed.
The next morning.
She wakes up - her husband is gone. Here it is - the moment of truth!!! Grabbing the phone, she calls and, barely hearing his voice, she begins to do a pecking order:
"Ah-you-you-you-you-you! Where-you-where-you-walking-tram-tara-ram?! Forget-where-you-live-already?! M-morning-at-the-door!!!" etc.
After calmly listening to this angry tirade, my husband sleepily replied, "Well, why are you shouting? I'm in the toilet."
 
The guys in Bulgaria bought a new Gazelle to transport tomatoes. While they were driving it, during a month of use they heard a metallic knocking noise in the back, the cause of which they couldn't find - they threw everything out, including the spare, jacks, etc., and unscrewed the seats.
unscrewed the seats, no idea where it's knocking. As a result, we acted competently - one man pumps the car and the other listens to a body with a stethoscope. We have found out that the knocking is inside vertical stiffening box, which is welded to the trim sheet from the inside of the car. We didn't feel lazy and cut a hole with a bolt cutter.
Inside the box on a thick fishing line hangs an M24 nut and a note in Russian "Well done, found it".
 
Woke up early. I washed, ate, got dressed and drove to work. When I got there, the car was busy at work. I sat down next to it on a chair. I felt sleepy and fell asleep.
I woke up at home. I thought I was dreaming. I got ready, did something around the house and went to work. Got there, turned on the computer, started reading emails. I hear someone calling me. Didn't answer, well, them. I keep reading. Again they call. Again no answer. Behind me they're already rubbing my shoulder. I snapped at that "shaker". And I continued reading. And suddenly I heard my wife's voice:
- Get up, you asked me to wake you up early, and you're still swearing...
 
An acquaintance of mine told me that he used to work as a computer technician in a military establishment.
One day he was fed up with his outdated hardware and started to piss off his bosses, arguing that a new computer would be more resistant to viruses (it was impossible to explain to the bosses that this computer was hopelessly outdated for only 4 years).
As a "virus" he wrote a program, which every 10 minutes turned the screen upside down by 90 degrees, and so on in a circle. In the presence of the officer the computer was checked by anti-virus software, which, of course, found nothing.
But our army cannot be broken. The officer (a lieutenant colonel, I think) kept typing documents, flipping the monitor himself every time.
But a new computer was bought after all, when the monitor, unable to withstand such bullshit, died after a month.
 
During the first American mission to the moon, Armstrong, stepping off the rocket, uttered a historic phrase:
- A small step for man, a huge leap for mankind.
And he added in a low voice:
- Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.
Upon his return to Earth, for 10 years stubborn journalists tried to get Armstrong to explain this phrase, but to all questions he replied that he could not say anything. The question became as traditional as the answer. Suddenly, 10 years after the flight, he was asked the standard question at a press conference:
- Who is Mr Gorsky after all?
Armstrong suddenly replied that, since Mr Gorski had died, he felt entitled to explain himself:
- When I was seven years old, my brother and I were playing baseball in the yard. My brother hit the ball too hard and it fell under the bedroom window of our neighbours, Mr Gorski. I ran to pick up the ball and heard Mrs. Gorski say to her husband:
- Oral sex?! You want oral sex? You'll get it when the neighbour's boy walks on the moon!
 
After a good payday binge, I come home. The thought of making a stash in my head! I don't remember exactly where I put the money! One thing I do remember is the level of my eyes. Took me two weeks to find the fucking stash. I cursed everything! The money eventually turned up. UNDER THE FRIDGE!
 
My son is six months old and he is constipated.
I send my wife a text message to the cottage:
"Good morning! I love you so much! Did you poop?"
Couple of minutes later I get a reply from one of my mates:
"Hi! Love you even more! Good shit! Thank you!"
Wrong number from my address book...
1...137138139140141142143144145146147148149150151...847
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