[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 839
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A psychologist tells his colleague: - In Soviet times I used to call clever children clever and retarded children retarded. The retarded ones were offended.
- And now?
- Now I say that all children are smart.
- So what?
- The smart ones are offended!
****
When I was seven, I dreamed that communism would win the whole earth. At seventeen, I dreamed of unearthly love and a beautiful princess. Now I'm 35, and I'm stupidly hungry for MONEY!
****
- Here's your pills.
- I'm not taking them!
- Why not?
- Your pills make my sick leave run out fast!!! ...
****
- My grandmother on my dad's side of the family is a lathe operator.
- You mean she sawed my grandfather?
****
- I wonder if two telepaths start reading each other's minds at the same time... would they die of stack overflow?
****
- Darling, I want to live happily ever after with you!
- Darling, if you live happily ever after, I won't live long...
How to give a cat a pill
1.Sit on the sofa. Take the cat and hold it gently to your chest, as if you were feeding a baby from a bottle. Gently talk to it. With the index finger and thumb of your right hand, gently press on the cat's cheeks while holding the tab (be patient). When the cat opens its mouth, drop the pill inside. Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow. Release the cat. Notice where it has run to.
2. Pick up the tablet from the floor. Remove the cat from behind the sofa. Hold the cat against your chest with your left hand and repeat the process
3. Extract the cat from your bedroom and discard the pissed up pill.
4. Remove the other pill from the package. Press the cat against your chest with your left hand, squeezing its hind legs firmly. Forcefully unclench its jaws and push the pill down its throat with the index finger of your right hand. Keep the cat's mouth closed until you count to ten.
5. Remove the tablet from the bowl. Remove the cat from the cabinet. Call for your spouse.
6. Kneel down with the cat firmly between them. Hold her front and back paws. Ignore the growling. Make your spouse hold the cat's head firmly by forcing a wooden ruler into its mouth. Throw a tablet in its mouth and rub the cat's throat energetically.
7. Remove the cat from the curtain rod. Take another tablet out of the package. Remember to buy a new curtain rod and a new ruler. Carefully sweep up the shards of porcelain figures that were on the mantelpiece. Put the splinters aside - then glue them together.
8. Wrap the cat in a large towel. Ask your spouse to lie down on top of the cat so that only the head is visible from under the armpit. Stuff the tablet into a straw. Open the cat's mouth with a pencil. Blow the pill in there.
9. Check the label to make sure the pill is safe for humans. Drink a glass of water to discourage the taste. Tape the spouse's arm with a plaster. Wipe the blood off the carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Take the cat out of the neighbour's shed. Take another pill. Shove the cat into the cupboard and press the door to its neck, leaving its head outside. Spoon the mouth open, run the pill down its throat with a rubber band.
11. Fetch a screwdriver from the shed. Put the door back on. Put a cold compress on your cheek. Check the last time you had a tetanus shot. Throw away your shirt and get another one from the bedroom.
12. Call the fire brigade to remove a cat from a tree on the other side of the road. Apologise to the neighbour who wrecked his car dodging the cat. Take the last of the pills out of the package.
13. Tie the cat's front legs to the back with twine and tape it firmly to the leg of the dining table. Get some sturdy gardening gloves from the barn. Clench the cat's jaws with a spatula. Push a pill into its mouth, followed by a large piece of meat. Keeping the head upright, pour a glass of water into the cat's mouth.
14. Ask your spouse to take you to the hospital. Sit still while the doctor stitches up your finger and hand and removes pieces of a pill from your eye. On your way home, stop at a furniture shop and order a new table.
15. Make a house call to the vet.