[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 538

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It was the merry '80s. There was a boy in our class who was very good at reading poetry: with feeling, with thought, with the right accent, and, of course, with expression. His parents must have taught him since he was a child. By about the third grade his teacher set an example for the whole class, saying, "Watch how you should, and that everyone was trying to do the same. All the children started trying to be as good as they were. But one girl could not shake the success of her classmate. She was a crammer in the classical sense. Subjects she not understood, and rote, and if she was asked a question not from the program and not of the assigned to the house subjects, she fell into a stupor, got on the handbrake, dropped the anchor, put down roots, in general she did not move! But she wasn't trying, her goal was simple: A's, A's, a medal at the end, admission to university with one exam. The goal was set by strict parents who had achieved little in life. So instead of helping the child to think, they stupidly made the girl STUDY, which, of course, could not help but cause atrophy of the brain thinking function. A funny detail: the girl, after getting a B, cried until the teacher corrected the B to an A.
The girl's parents, upon learning about the success of "this upstart alien to the working class" (remember, he came from a family of intellectuals) set their child the task of "catching up and overtaking".
Well, the girl was trying her best: she was raising and lowering her intonation, squinting, retracting and tilting her head to the "left, right and other sides", making a theatrical hand gesture towards the window (this was if the poem was about nature). And, if all that pantomime had coincided with the meaning of the poem, then everything would have been fine. But!!! SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE WAS SAYING! Sideways looked comical and at recesses her grimaces mocked and crooked who wanted (and who among us likes to cram? ), and of her way to set accents in the poem could be said simply: neither to this nor that.
So we got to ninth grade, when everyone who is not a brake has puberty boils, hormones raging, what a study! It would be better to find out which of the girls in our school gives and to invite them to our house for tea, yeah...
In general, everyone's thoughts are pretty much the same. But there's also a category of geeks. They want neither spring nor autumn, they want Pushkin, they want Pasternak, they want to feel the emotion of the soul, the programme does not command it, their parents are standing over their hearts (they need to prepare for university), they study only that part of Pushkin and Yesenin which is in the programme (about birches, about the village, about Russia, etc.. ) And so, when once again we were studying Yesenin's work (the guys, of course, through one "Sing Sing" and "Sop harmonica") our heroine, without thinking too much and from old memory, prepared "It smells warm, I go out to the ovine". And why not, and a little and have already been in the third grade, and in addition to literature and a bunch of lessons, and where to find time for everything is unclear. So, coming up to the blackboard, theatrically waving his head to the left and right, as if fringes fell on the artist's eyes, but in fact - a horse over an empty trough, eyes squinted, gaze directed to the unreachable distance, and:
"Smells warm (hand to side- palm up-pause-turn head towards teacher-turn palm down-hands on belt and more squinting), WALKING."
At this point the speech was interrupted by the stifled (discipline, shit) laughter from the third, fourth and fifth desks, where we - the six main class bastards and not the last of the school's wreckers - were sitting. The rest of the mass, not much different in level of development from the speaker, did not catch the zest and stoned their faces, but the narrator lost her way and started again, with even more excitement. "Smells warm (again the whole set: turn of head, gaze into the unknown distance, incomprehensible hand gesture, intonation rises almost to a shout) MURDERED" and here Romka could not stand it: "What kind of what? "The class erupted with bellowing and stomping, everyone laughed, even the teacher was smiling and biting his lips. The only one who didn't laugh was our nerd (she never laughed at all), she genuinely didn't understand what the point was.
Even now, so many years after graduation, when we meet at homecoming, we poke a fellow pupil: "So what's that warm smell?", causing her to smile shyly.
Parents! Teach your children to think and be individuals or else one day you'll hear your child say, "It smells warm, wanky... "
 
In the morning before work, I went to the bazaar near the office to buy a holiday gift for a colleague. I went up to the toy bin and asked an innocuous question:
- Do you have a tambourine?
- Are you all out of your minds? Fifth person in half an hour!!!
 

Parents! Teach your children to think and be individuals or one day you will hear your child say: "it smells warm, wanky... "
Yesenin's actually smelled like loose wankers))))

 
Alex_K:

Parents! Teach your children to think and be individuals or one day you will hear your child say: "it smells warm, wanky... "
Yesenin's actually smelled like loose wankers))))

how do you know what he smelled like? ))))
 
sanyooooook:
How do you know what he smelt like? ))))

from Yandex)))))
 

At the word "jamb", 15% think of a doorway and only 5% think of a fish.

***

Stirlitz thought it over. He liked it and thought again.

 
drknn:

At the word "jamb", 15% think of a doorway and only 5% think of a fish.

***

The remaining 80% think of weed.
 
"Alice has been learning Martian for 2 weeks.She spent a seventh of that time doing finger exercises and a fourth of the remaining time mastering the letter "xfy". How many days did Alice spend mastering the letter 'xfy'? " - 3rd grade maths problem. Did the authors get high on weed or eat mushrooms?
 
Temnyj:
"Alice has been learning the Martian language for two weeks. She spent a seventh of that time doing finger exercises and a fourth of the remaining time mastering the letter "xfy". How many days did Alice spend mastering the letter 'xfy'? " - 3rd grade maths problem. Did the authors get high on weed or eat mushrooms?

This is from a story by Kir Bulychev, The Storybook Reserve.

 

She:
- Do you have a programme that changes formats?
Him:
- Excuse me?
- I say I need to change formats.
- What formats?
- Are you stupid?!...formats of FILES, of course!!!
- What kind of files?!
- You're a real retard, you're a programmer... COMPUTER FILES, you know, COMPUTER FILES!!!

***

- What do you do?
- I write programs!
- Can't you write about kilos?!

***

Never tell a new girl about the nasty things you've done before. Don't give her any ideas.

***

Husband's going on an early morning fishing trip. Blonde wife:
- Where are you going?
- Fishing.
- Catch one pike, a kilo of karas, a bag of potatoes and a carton of milk, please.

***

Tourist tip:
If you get lost in the taiga, start slowly pouring out the vodka. Shouting:
"What the hell are you doing? " -
someone will find you and punch you in the face.

***

Russian to Jew:
- When are you going to pay me back?!
- I didn't know you were so nosy.

***

- Oh, my God! Are you studying chemistry?
- No. This is my wife's dressing table.

***

Loneliness is having absolutely no one to talk to after an orgasm.

***

She: help me, please.
He: yes.
Her: I have two computers. i need to get the internet up. there's a switch, but the wires from the switch are very short. What to do? Just explain it like I am a retarded girl.
Him: just get a network cable, that's all.
She: I told you to explain it to me like I'm a down girl.
Well, then pull it harder.

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