[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 143

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Price list for additional sys. admin services:

1. Dinner with the system administrator - 200 c.u.
2. after dinner conversation on non-computer related topics - 10 c.u. for each minute.
3. Follow-up conversation - 20 c.u. for each attempt.
4. Dinner with any member of staff - 500 c.u.
5. Dinner at the hubs - 300 c.u.
6. guided tour of the server room - 100 c.u. for a tour of each server. Groups of 5 people - 5% discount.
7. Touching the server - 5 c.u. one touch.
8. Touching the sysadmin - 20 c.u. one touch.
9. Touching the server keyboard - 2 c.u. per key.
10. Breaking buzz downloading files from server by single pressing reset`a on server - 600 c.u. for five minutes.
11. Every next five minutes - 400 c.u.
12. Unplugging the central router for three minutes - 1500 c.u.

 

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"Seminar Host: Pavel Los, Head of International Markets, FINAM Investment Holding.

Seminar guest: Head of Representation office of Frankfurt Stock Exchange (Deutsche Boerse) in Russia - Roman Kirindasov.

To participate in the on-line seminar, please, not earlier than 20 minutes before the event start click here:".

Here's an invitation to the seminar.....

 

Material from Absurdopedia
All I need to do is eat, sleep and program.
~ Self-Perfection about the meaning of life

A programmer is a person suffering from a severe form of cortical impairment - intelligence, which manifests itself in a maniacal destructive urge to write incomprehensible and meaningless sets of symbols and phrases which, in his opinion, bear a certain sacred meaning from the point of view of the diabolical shaitan machine otherwise called a computer.

Programming is an extremely anti-social disease. An individual infected with the disease becomes estranged from society and ceases to be interested in the world around him, his family, his pastime. He estranges himself from his friends, whom he replaces with his own kind. With time, the programmers gather in closed communities with extremely immoral morals. Their speech bears little resemblance to that of a normal person and consists of 90% slang, which only adds to the dissonance with society. Personal hygiene is a deep anus for programmers, clothes are not changed as long as anything remains of them, and hair is washed and cut only on holidays. All of the above is a consequence of a heavy mental condition of a programmer, but it cannot but affect his physical health. Lack of physical activity, sedentary lifestyle and constant staring at the monitor results in arthrosis, scoliosis, sclerosis, thrombosis, diarrhea, and a bunch of other not very pleasant illnesses.

The typical face of a computer programmer

IT IS IMPORTANT TO REALISE THAT EARLY DETECTION AND PREVENTION MAKES TREATMENT MUCH EASIER, AND THAT IN THE LATER STAGES OF THE DISEASE IT BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE!

A special risk group is traditionally teenagers who, due to the availability of computers in the modern world, can learn about the existence of not only harmless pornography and pirated video games, but also about a much more serious and extremely dangerous phenomenon - programming! Easily falling under the influence of outwardly attractive, but extremely destructive internally, strange symbols and signs that in the eyes of a teenager begin to take on a mystical meaning, the unstable mental state of the teenager is finally shaken. Parents need to exercise extreme willpower in the fight against the disease, but at the same time be patient to the turbulence of his child's mind. The treatment of programming is a complex process and includes both showing pornography and taking part in fights and active treatment with alcohol and smoking. Don't be mean to buy a prostitute for your kid; it will help much in the process of stabilizing the shaken mental state of the teenager and restoring his interest in real and not imaginary objects.

In the end it is worth mentioning that programming is a product of modern urbanized society and was unknown to our ancestors, the apes. Programming has always been condemned by secular and spiritual authorities, but nevertheless, according to the Ministry of Health the trend of increasing number of people afflicted with the disease is still present in the world which is a very alarming sign.

 

jarne Stroustrup о программировании на C±

Have you ever tried to sit down and work on a C± project? I have set enough traps that only trivial projects just work that way. Towards the end of the project it turns out that the same operators in different modules mean completely different things. Now try to connect all these modules together, especially if you have 100 of them. Gosh, I sometimes can't help laughing when I hear about the problems of different companies that can't make their modules communicate with each other.

http://absurdopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Си_приплюснутый

 
A cautionary tale: Never leave your pets for too long, even if it's the closest of relatives!!!
To the point: We left our dog (7 months old) with the wife's grandfather at the dacha this summer (a very perky old man in a perfect relationship with the green serpent). We were in the Crimea ourselves for a month at a friend's house.
On returning home, we were surprised to note some inadequacy of the dog in all that was related to the elementary commands.
We questioned the grandfather. It has appeared that the grandfather communicated with him as with the best buddy. Here's a rough list of commands:
1) NOOOOO! - ew.
2) "FUCK YOU! - something like "get out of here!"
3) ANUBA!!! - side by side
4) COMNEB^^YA!!! - to me
On top of everything else, the dog now also responds to the nickname "F*cking BLEEP"!!!
 
An acquaintance of mine (definitely Russian) in the States named his IT company Peace Data. When I asked him why he did so. He replied: "You know. I want to surround myself with positive thinking. When a client calls us and asks "Hello, is this company pizdato?" I tell him "Yes... Pizdato", he asks "And the address is yours?" I tell him "Yes, come here, it's very pizdato here ...." and the mood immediately rises .... That's the Russian soul, though.
 
Of all the space curiosities and pranks, Owen Garriott's prank comes first. In 1973, he was a member of the crew of the US space station Skylab. The prank he pulled on Mission Control Officer Robert Crippen will go down in the annals of space forever. Garriott had taken a tape recorder into space, on which his wife had written several pre-written notes. One day, when operator Robert Crippen came on line with the orbiting station, Garriott waited by the transmitter with the recorder in his hand. The following dialogue took place between the station and the Control Centre:

- "Skylab, this is Houston, come in.
- Hello, Houston," the station responded in an upbeat female voice. - This is Skylab.
Earth, after a moment's hesitation, inquired:
- Who's speaking?
- Hello, Bob," the station replied. - 'This is Helen, Owen's wife.
Bob digested the answer for a few seconds and then struggled to get it out:
- What are you doing there?
- I thought I'd bring the boys something to eat. Everything's fresh," a voice from orbit reassured him.
The control centre was silent for about a minute and then shut down. The communications officer must have lost his nerve.
 
A friend at work told me:
Everyone knows who the truckers are. Everyone has seen how big their cars are. I don't know if you have seen imported heavy goods vehicles, but the cab of this truck has facilities (i.e. a toilet).
So, a comrade is driving on such a big truck with facilities on the roads of our boundless homeland. for a long time, probably driving, because he got hungry. he saw a cafe on the roadside and decided to stop for a snack. he stopped and went to eat. While he was eating I don't know how much time passed, he went out to his car and saw he was standing next to his car and spitting shit. hehehehe now the funniest thing. the thing is - this guy wanted to drain the gasoline from his car our Russian way (hose in the tank and suck it until it leaks itself). The fuel tank in this car is next to the tank with the aforementioned production costs of the human body. Apparently the man made a mistake and put the hose into the tank he was looking for.
 
This story was told by a friend in the dormitory. Her brother went to the village one day and got drunk with some friends. There was an apiary nearby. They wanted some honey. So they went there. They started shaking these hives, bees flew out, the dog barked, the watchman whistled somewhere in the distance. Of course, they got the hell out of there. And one of them took the hive with him. He ran and ran, and the dog followed him.
Can't keep up. He kicks it, but it does not lag behind. He gave up on everything, threw the hive away.
In the morning, they woke up and remembered what happened yesterday. They laugh, remember the apiary.
And this "one" said: And I still took a hive!!!
- Where?
- I left it there on the road.
They come to that place:
And there...
There's a kennel with a dog chained to it.
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