[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 239
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A cat gave birth to a puppy
A dark-skinned couple gives birth to a white baby girl with blue eyes
Dim. Holiday or just annoyed. You're just not on Skype? You don't have to answer.
I'm alive, I'm well, I'm up to my ears in work. Skype's a pain.
If one does not revere the sages, there will be no quarrels among the people. If one does not value rare objects, there will be no thieves among the people. If you do not show things that may cause envy, there will be no disturbance of the people's heart.Lao Tzu
Heaven and earth are long-lived. Heaven and earth are durable because they do not exist for themselves. That is why they can be long-lived.
The best ruler is the one about whom the people only know that he exists. Somewhat worse are those rulers who require the people to love and exalt them. Even worse are those rulers whom the people fear and worst are those rulers whom the people despise.
To glorify oneself in victory is to rejoice in killing people. He who rejoices in killing cannot win sympathy in the country. Welfare is created by respect, and misery comes from violence.
He who knows men is prudent, He who knows himself is enlightened. He who overcomes men is strong. He who conquers himself is powerful. He who knows prosperity is rich. Whoever acts with perseverance, possesses the will. He who does not lose his nature, is long-lived. He who is dead but not forgotten is immortal.
Walk overcomes the cold, peace overcomes the heat. Tranquillity creates order in the world.
I have heard that he who does not know how to master life, walking on the ground does not fear the rhinoceros and the tiger, going into battle, does not fear armed soldiers. The rhinoceros has nowhere to thrust its horn at him, the tiger has nowhere to lay its claws upon him and the soldiers have nowhere to strike him with their sword. What is the reason? It exists because there is no death for him.
Knowledge of harmony is called permanence. Knowledge of permanence is called wisdom. Enrichment of life is called happiness. Striving to control one's senses is called persistence.
Man has long been in delusion.
Overcoming the difficult begins with the easy, realising the great begins with the small, for in the world the difficult is formed from the easy, and the great from the small.
Whoever acts will fail. He who possesses something will lose it. That is why the perfect man is idle and does not fail. He has nothing and therefore loses nothing. Those who, while doing things, are in a hurry to achieve success, will fail. He who is careful to finish his business just as he started it, he will always have prosperity.
He who is brave without humanity, generous without frugality, being in front, repulses those who are behind - he will perish. He who wages war with humanity is victorious, and his defences are impregnable.
An intelligent warrior is not warlike. A skilful warrior is not angry. Able to defeat the enemy does not attack. He who knows how to manage people does not put himself in an inferior position. This is the power of ruling people. It means following nature and the ancient beginning.
He who, having knowledge, pretends not to know, is superior. He who, having no knowledge, pretends to know, is sick. He who, being sick, thinks himself sick, is not sick.
Man is tender and weak at birth, but firm and strong at death. All creatures and plants are tender and weak at birth and dry and rotten at death. Hard and strong is that which perishes, and tender and weak is that which begins to live. Therefore the mighty army is not defeated and the strong tree perishes. The strong and powerful do not have the advantage that the gentle and weak have.
Water is the softest and weakest being in the world, but in overcoming the hard and strong it is invincible and there is no equal in the world. The weak overcomes the strong, the soft overcomes the hard. Everyone knows this, but people are unable to implement it....
The good strive for agreement and the unkind for extortion...
True words are not graceful. Pretty words are not trustworthy. Good is not eloquent. Eloquent cannot be kind. The knowing does not prove, the proving does not know.
To study and, when the time comes, to apply what has been learned to business - isn't it wonderful! Talking with a friend who has come from afar - isn't it joyful! Not to be appreciated by the world and not to hold a grudge - isn't that sublime!Confucius
He who speaks beautifully and has an attractive appearance is rarely truly human.
A noble husband does not strive to eat well and live richly. He hurries in deeds, but slows down in speeches. Associating with virtuous people, he corrects himself. It can be said of such a person that he is devoted to teaching.
A respectful son is one who grieves his father and mother, except perhaps with his illness.
The teacher said, "A noble man is not a tool."
He who, turning to the old, is able to discover the new, is worthy of being a teacher.
He who learns without thinking will fall into error. He who meditates without wanting to learn will be in difficulty.
A man deprived of humanity will not be long in cramped circumstances, nor will he be long in idleness.
Only a truly human person is capable of both loving and hating.
A scholar who seeks truth, but is ashamed of poor clothes and coarse food! What is there to talk about!
Don't worry that you don't have a high rank. Worry about whether you are worthy to have a high rank. Don't worry about not being known. Worry about whether you are worthy of being known.
Knowing the truth in the morning, you can die in the evening.
A noble husband thinks about the complex. A low person thinks about what is profitable.
When meeting a worthy person, think about how to equal him. When meeting with a low person, look closely at yourself and judge yourself.
As you serve your father and mother, exhort them as gently as you can. If your advice does not work, be still respectful and humble. Even if you are angry in your soul, do not express your displeasure.
People in ancient times did not like to talk much. They considered it a shame for themselves not to keep up with their own words.
Virtue will not be left alone. She must have neighbors.
Master said, "My case seems hopeless. I have not yet met a person who, knowing about his mistakes, would admit his guilt to himself."
The teacher said: "In any village of ten houses there is a person who will not yield to me in virtue. But no one can compare with me in love of learning."
If you are too zealous in the service, you will lose the favor of the sovereign. If you are overly cordial in friendship, you will lose the favor of your friends.
If nature overshadows education in a person, you will end up with a savage, and if education overshadows nature, you will get a connoisseur of scriptures. Only one in whom nature and good breeding are in balance can be considered a worthy husband.
A truly humane husband achieves everything by his own efforts.
The teacher said: "I transmit, not compose. I believe in antiquity and love it."
Expand knowledge without showing off to others; to study diligently without feeling tired; to instruct others without knowing disappointment - all this is given to me without difficulty.
I made truth my aim, virtue my helper, I found my support in humanity, and found my rest in the arts.
Give instructions only to those who seek knowledge after discovering their ignorance. Help only those who do not know how to clearly express their cherished thoughts. Teach only those who are able, having learned about one corner of the square, to imagine the other three.
The teacher said: "Eating coarse food and drinking spring water, sleeping with your head resting on your own elbow - all this has its own joy. And unjustly acquired wealth and nobility are like floating clouds for me!"
Even in the company of two people, I will certainly find something to learn from them. I will try to imitate their virtues, and I myself will learn from their shortcomings.
The teacher said: "My disciples! Do you think that I am hiding something from you? No, I am not hiding anything from you. I only say what you yourself should know."
Is true humanity far from us? It is worth coveting her, and she will immediately be there!
Reverence without knowing what is due turns into self-torture. Caution without knowledge should turn into cowardice. Courage without proper knowledge turns into recklessness. Straightforwardness without knowledge of the proper turns into rudeness. If the sovereign honors the parents, then the common people will be humane. If the master does not forget old friends, then his servants will not be soulless.
A worthy person cannot but possess the breadth of knowledge and firmness of spirit. His burden is heavy and his journey is long. Humanity is the burden he bears: isn't it heavy? Only death completes his path: isn't it long?
It is not easy to meet a person who, having devoted three years of his life to teaching, did not dream of occupying a high post.
The teacher said: "I have not yet met a person who would love virtue as they love female beauty."
Standing on the bank of the river, the Teacher said: "Everything goes away, like these waters, every day and every night."
Indeed, there are herbs in the world that do not give flowers, and flowers that do not give fruit!
Only when the cold comes, it becomes clear that the pines and cypresses are the last to lose their dress.
The wise know no worries, the humane know no worries, the brave know no fear.
Disciple Zi-Lu was asked about how to honor the spirits. The teacher said: "You still do not know how to serve people, how can you serve the spirits?" Then the student asked about what death is. The teacher said, "You don't know what life is yet, how can you know what death is?"
To overcome oneself and return to what is due in oneself - that is what true humanity is. To be human or not to be is up to us.
When out of the house, behave as if you were receiving guests of honor. When using the services of people, behave as if you were performing a solemn ceremony. Don't do to others what you don't want for yourself. Then there will be no discontent not in the state, nor in the family.
A noble man helps people see what is good in them, and does not teach people to see what is bad in them. And the low man does the opposite.
In dealing with friends, advise them to do only what they are able to do, and lead them to good without violating decorum, but do not try to act where there is no hope of success. Don't put yourself in a humiliating position.
If he is direct, then they will fulfill everything without orders. And if he himself is not direct, then they will not obey, even if they are ordered.
If a person is firm, resolute, simple and not talkative, then he is already close to humanity.
To send people to war untrained is to betray them.
A noble husband, attached to home comfort, is not worthy to be called such.
In ancient times, people studied in order to improve themselves. Today they study in order to surprise others.
Someone asked: "Is it right to say that evil must be repaid with good?" The teacher said: "Then how to pay for good? Evil must be paid with justice, and for good - with good."
The most worthy men escaped the chains of the whole world, followed by those who escaped attachment to a certain place, followed by those who could avoid slander.
A noble man endures adversity. And the low man in trouble dissolves.
The only mistake is not correcting your past mistakes.
Not talking to a person who is worthy of talking means losing a person. And talking to a person who is not worthy of a conversation means losing words. The wise lose neither people nor words.
Those who do not think about distant difficulties are sure to face close troubles.
Be hard on yourself and soft on others. So you protect yourself from human hostility.
A noble husband knows his superiority, but avoids competition. He gets along with everyone, but does not collude with anyone.
Sophisticated words destroy virtue. Intemperance in trifles will ruin a great cause.
Man expands the Way, not the Way expands man.
Once I spent a whole day without food and a whole night without sleep in meditation, but I did not achieve anything. It would be better to devote that time to teaching.
It is enough for the words to express the meaning.
A noble husband in his life should beware of three things: in his youth, when the vitality is abundant, beware of being attracted to women; in maturity, when the vital forces are powerful, beware of rivalry; in old age, when vital forces are scarce, beware of stinginess.
Master said, "When I see goodness in front of me, I run forward as if I'm afraid to be left behind. Seeing evil in front of me, I run away as if I had stepped foot into boiling water." I have heard such words and seen such people. "I live in seclusion in order to realize my truth." I have heard these words, but I have never met such a person.
By their natural inclinations, people are close to each other, but by their habits they are far from each other.
The favorite of the village is the enemy of virtue.
A noble man values duty above all else. A noble man, endowed with courage, but not knowing duty, can become a rebel. A low man, endowed with courage, but not knowing duty, can embark on robbery.
It is most difficult to build relationships correctly with women and low people. If you bring them closer to you, they will become untied; if you remove them from you, they will hate you.
Heaven and Earth are separate, but they do one thing.
Archery teaches us how to seek the truth. When the shooter misses, he does not blame others, but looks for the fault in himself.
Try to be even a little kinder, and you will see that you will not be able to do another act.
Learn as if you constantly feel you lack your knowledge, and as if you are constantly afraid of losing your knowledge.
He who cannot instruct his household for good cannot learn for himself.
A noble man awaits with dignity the dictates of Heaven. The low man fussily waits for good luck.
Only the wisest and the most stupid are unteachable.
People want wealth and fame for themselves; if both cannot be obtained honestly, they should be avoided. People are afraid of poverty and obscurity; if both cannot be avoided without loss of honor, they should be accepted.
A noble husband does not expect deceit from anyone, but when he is deceived, he is the first to notice it.
Without knowing fate, one cannot become a noble man. Without knowing what is due, it is impossible to find support in life. Without learning to understand the true meaning of words, it is impossible to know people.
Anyone who, having lived forty years, causes only hostility, is a washed-up person.
A worthy person does not follow in the footsteps of other people.
Evaluating worldly affairs, a noble man does not reject or approve anything, but measures everything with justice.
Rule the people with dignity and the people will be respectful. Treat people kindly, and people will work hard. Exalt the virtuous and instruct the unlearned, and people will trust you.
Everyone can become a noble man. You just need to decide to become one.
The teacher said, "I don't understand how you can deal with someone you can't trust? If the cart has no axle, how can you ride it?"
If you have the opportunity to show mercy, do not let even the teacher go ahead.
A noble man is serene in his soul. The low man is always preoccupied.
A noble man thinks about the righteous path and does not think about food. He can work in the field - and be hungry. He can devote himself to teaching - and receive generous rewards. But a noble man should worry about the righteous path and not worry about poverty.
A noble man lives in harmony with everyone, and a low man seeks his own kind.
A noble man perseveres in adversity, but a low man in trouble is dismissed.
The secret of a good ruler: let the ruler be the ruler, the subject be the subject, the father be the father, and the son be the son.
A noble man helps people see the good in themselves and does not teach people to see the bad in themselves. And the low man does the opposite.
Young people should not be treated with condescension. It may very well be that, having matured, they will become outstanding husbands. Only one who has achieved nothing by reaching the age of forty or fifty does not deserve respect.
In a country where there is order, be bold in actions and in speeches. In a country where there is no order, be bold in action, but careful in speech.
Don't do to others what you don't want for yourself.
Observe the behavior of a person, delve into the reasons for his actions, look at him in his leisure hours. Will he then remain a mystery to you?
Zen aphorisms
there is no cold spotin
a cauldron of boiling water.The frog jumps, but it won't jump out of the basket.
A good conversation does not say it all.
A skilled craftsman leaves no trace.
What is inexpressible in words is inexhaustible in action.
Scoop up water and the moon is in your hand. Touch flowers and their scent will soak your clothes.
When you look for fire, you find it along with the smoke. When you scoop water from a well, you take the moon with you.
Who knows that far beyond the misty waves there is a beautiful dream world?
For ten years I could not find my way back, and now I have forgotten where I came from.
The murmuring of the brook in the night becomes more audible. The colours of the mountains grow brighter at sunset.
Where neither light nor darkness penetrates, there is one beautiful view everywhere.
I have completely shed my skin. There is one true nature left.
I meet him, but I don't know who he is. Talking to him, but I don't know his name.
Stupidly stubborn is stubbornly stupid.
Straight talk is better than a blushing face.
An angry fist does not strike a smiling face.
A flute without holes is the hardest to play.
Three people certify that a turtle is a turtle.
A thick fog does not hide the fragrance of flowers.
A good merchant hides his wealth and appears penniless.
He who thinks he possesses glorious wisdom rides ahead of the donkey and behind the horse.
Above - not a piece of tile to cover his head. Underneath, there is not a speck of earth to put his foot on.
When the mouth wants to tell, speech dies. When the mind wants to understand its source, thought dies.
When a good man preaches a false doctrine, it becomes true. When a bad man preaches the true doctrine, it becomes false.
The sun and moon cannot illuminate it completely. The heavens and the earth cannot cover it completely.
The deer hunter cannot see the mountain. He who hunts for gold cannot see people.
The ungodly who scatters flowers have nowhere to go. The unbelievers, who want to peep, have nothing to see.
The plum last year, the willow this year: their colours and fragrances are still the same as in the old days.
At the edge of the sky the sun rises and the moon sets. Beyond the railing of the terrace the mountains are deep and the waters are cold.
He only sees the river looping and the path winding, and does not know that he is already in the land of Peach Spring.
The wild goose has no intention of leaving a trail in the water. The water has no desire to hold the reflection of the goose.
When the birds are not singing, the mountain is even more peaceful.
A withered tree, a blossoming flower: such is the spring outside this world.
A second try is not worth half a copper.
When pure gold is embraced by fire, it shines even brighter.
The roar of my laughter shakes Heaven and Earth.
A mouse that crawls into the money tube will find no way out.
An eternity of boundless expanses: one day of wind and moon.
From immemorial antiquity and forever and ever, it exposes itself to all.
When a jug of salted fish is uncorked, flies buzz around it. When the jug is emptied and washed, it lies quietly in the cold.
There are those who, while on the road, do not leave home. And there are those who, having left home, are not on the road.
The ducks embroidered on the carpet can be shown to others. But the needle with which they were embroidered is gone without a trace from the embroidery.
There is always the same moon in front of my window. But when the plums bloom, the moon is different.
One does not need mountains or water for peace and concentration. When consciousness is dead, even fire brings coolness.
When you are inspired, inspire even more. Where there is no spiritedness - there is spiritedness.
In the basket of Thoughtlessness rests the clear moon. In the bowl of Thoughtlessness a clear wind gathers.
Don't look for hair on a tortoise shell or horns on a hare's head.
Truth will not hide a lie. The crooked will not obscure the straight.
Simpletons and wise men live together. Dragons and serpents dwell together.
By law no needle is allowed to pass. A whole carriage will pass privately.
Do not envy the wise. Don't be proud of your intelligence.
To write such a poem, you must first have such a heart. To paint such a portrait, one must first comprehend such a face.
A great man dreams of rising above the sky. He will not go where the Buddha has already passed.
Not to take what is bestowed by Heaven is to punish himself. To not act when the time comes is to ruin oneself.
Speech is slander. Silence is a lie. Beyond speech and silence there is a way out.
In the thickness of white clouds there are no white clouds to be seen. In the babble of a brook, one cannot hear the babble of a brook.
Blindness is clarity of sight, deafness is sensitivity of hearing, danger is peace, good fortune is misfortune.
On a spring day, a moonlit night, the frog's croaking echoes throughout the world and unites all into one family.
There is something that exists before Heaven and Earth, without form, buried in the silence. It is the master of all phenomena and is not subject to the changing of the seasons.
When great death comes, great life will come true.
Where there is much clay, the buddhas are great. On the great water the ships are high.
To cross this hectic world, one must know the way. To prescribe medicine, one must know the cause of disease.
Without an angle gauge and a compass, you can't square and round. Without a plumb line, you cannot determine straight and curved.
Gold phoenixes circle over branches that have no buds. Jasper elephants roam beneath a tree that casts no shadow.
One arrow brings down one eagle. Two arrows is too many.
There are no trails on the Way. He who walks it is alone and in danger.
When one speck of dust rises, it contains the whole earth. When a single flower blooms, the whole world unfolds.
When a tree dries up, the leaves fall off.
When you receive the precepts, you have to understand their source. Do not measure them by your own standards.
When a fish swims by, the water turns murky. When birds fly by, feathers fall.
Move and a shadow appears. Become aware and ice is born. But if you don't move and be conscious, you will inevitably end up in the den of a wild fox.
He who sits on the neck of a tiger and grabs hold of the tiger's tail is unfit to be an apprentice. When a buffalo's head disappears and a horse's head appears, it is no surprise.
Where the roads of thought end - there you begin to heed. Where words cease to express, begin to contemplate.
By affirmation nothing can be affirmed. Nothing can be rejected by negation.
A single phrase, existing before words, will not be conveyed by a thousand sages. One thread before our eyes will not be interrupted for all eternity.
The golden Buddha will not cross the melting pot. The wooden Buddha will not cross the fire. A clay Buddha will not cross a river.
The whole world cannot be hidden, the near and the far reveal each other, the past and the present are clearly distinguishable.
In one phrase, life and perdition, in one act, freedom and slavery.
On the top of the sacred mountain the grass grows without roots. Unaware of the spring wind, the flowers bloom on their own.
In the ten limits of light there are no walls. In the four walls of the fortress there are no gates.
Breathing in, he does not abide in the world of shadows. Breathing out, he does not touch the world of things.
Every voice is the voice of the Buddha. Every form is the form of the Buddha.
In the dry tree is the roar of the dragon. In the ancient skull is a clear pupil.
My path lies beyond the edge of blue skies,-where white clouds float unstoppable.
When chickens are cold, they fly up a tree. When ducks are cold, they fling themselves into the water.
A good blacksmith has mountains of raw iron piling up. At the door of a skilful healer a crowd of sick people gather.
At the top of a lonely cliff he whistles at the moon and dreams among the clouds. In the abyss of the great ocean he rises a storm and glides on the waves.
Take blindness for clear sight, and deafness for sharp hearing. Take danger as a promise of peace, and good fortune as a messenger of misfortune.
To seek wisdom outside yourself is the height of folly.
To be ill with a thousand illnesses is not a foolish thing to do. If you have never been ill with anything, it is a misfortune.