Interesting and humorous - page 45

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A music listening test. The examiners:
-You look away, we press a piano key and you guess...
The applicant looks away, they press it. He turns around and points his finger:
- You pressed it!

***

The bass player catches the goldfish, the goldfish says to him: "I'll grant you three wishes!"
- I want a Gibson six-string bass for three thousand bucks!
Bang! Got it!
- I want a 500-watt combo!
Bach, I got it!
- Well, what's the third wish?
- I want me and my drummer to hit the big time!
Fishy, after a long, agonizing pause:
- Would you like another six-string?

***

How do you get a drummer to play?
- Start tuning the guitar.

***

Two musicians meet:
- So, how's life? What's new?
- Good, got a new CD out.
- You sell anything yet?
- Yeah. House, flat, car...

***

The guys are celebrating New Year's Eve in a restaurant. Only music is karaoke. The wives grumble. Bros catch the manager:
- Listen, commander, get the musicians...
- Come on! It's New Year's Eve - everyone's busy!
- You don't understand: the wives are asking.
- Well... I've got this band. They play cool jazz!
- Give me your jazz.
The jazzmen arrive. Unpack up, turn on the band and start playing. One piece, another piece, another piece, another piece... The room gets a little quieter. People are sobering up in front of their eyes. One of the guys comes up to the stage, waits for the number to end, comes up to the pianist and asks in a whisper:
- What, you guys, no luck?!

***

The School of Sound Engineering is holding master classes on the following topics:
- Soundproofing bad musicians
- Soundsing drums with two microphones and intuition
- Blind Sections
- Blind Sections
- Blunt Sections
- Vocal Correction with Loud Mute
- Arranging Melodies for Mobile
- Mastering in Nero Wave Editor

Also:
- Sound Directing from A (Where's the Echo?) to Z (I fucking know better!)

Only here you'll learn:
- Hammer nails with a Shure SM58 microphone without losing quality in either case
- Solder XLR connectors with the tip of an iron
- Light up a room with a 12AX7 lamp
- Manually change the phase of the signal
- Commenting funny on SoundTalks.net
- Hear with your inner ear and think with your bone marrow

Those wishing to enter the PUZO must pass the following exams:
- Guessing a melody from a sonogram (oral)
- Performing your favourite song (written)
- Speed finding the right twist on a 64 channel mixer

Students must write a paper on a topic from the list to graduate:
- Distortion as a panacea for all ills
- Optimum Signal to Noise Ratio in Music Noise
- Some problems of 16 double bass mixing
- Natural Coffin Reverb

 
 
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That's how music boxes were programmed. It was a hard life!
 

eBay has banned the sale of magic potions and spells

The online auction site eBay has added magic potions, spells and curses to the list of items banned for sale, according to the company's website. The categories will also be removed from the auction catalogue.

eBay said in a statement that the company regularly reviews the list of allowed and prohibited items for sale based on complaints from sellers and buyers. In addition to potions and spells, the list of prohibited items for sale on eBay includes prayers, blessings, advice and others.

All announced changes to the eBay rules will take effect from September 2012.

Currently, in the spells section of eBay you can use the services of a Haitian voodoo sorceress for $10 or buy a genie at the starting price of the auction of $110.

The eBay auction regularly becomes the place to sell a variety of unusual items. Specifically, at various times, eBay has auctioned off Albert Einstein's wax head, an alien corpse, a piece of chicken shaped like a boot, and other items.

 
Tired of the boring monotony of life? Hire two detectives to keep an eye on each other.
 

Pussycat's House, or Difficulties of Translation. A play in three acts, with a prologue and an epilogue


10 August 2012. Sergei Lukyanenko

Actors:

Putin, Vladimir Vladimirovich. President of Russia.
Cameron, David. Prime Minister of Great Britain.
Smith, John. Translator for the British Prime Minister.
Ivanov, Nikolai. Referent for Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. (no words).
Gennady Onishchenko, chief sanitary doctor of Russia. (no words).

Prologue

Putin, Cameron and Ivanov.
James Cameron residence. Small banquet hall. Informal dinner. Waiting for steaks.
Putin sits opposite Cameron. The conversation is in English.

Cameron (with impetus): - Vladimir, I would like to express our deep concern.
Putin (tiredly): - About Syria again?
Cameron (even more forcefully): No! We are extremely concerned about pussy rabies!
Putin (with interest and sympathy): Oh dear! Not cow rabies now? Now cats? The people of Russia sincerely sympathise... (aside, to Ivanov) Contact Onishchenko, let him worry about quarantine issues...
Cameron (splashing his hands): No, Vladimir! It's not about that!
Putin looks intently at Cameron.
Cameron (bewildered): I think we're speaking different languages...

Action one.

The same and John Smith. Same place.
There are hot steaks on the table.

John Smith (in an official tone): Mr Cameron would like to express his great concern... э... issue... the issue of the pee-pee riot.
Putin (anxiously): What a nightmare! Such problems often plague men as they get older, but... We have excellent medicine in Moscow! Come, James! I'll contact... with Onishchenko. He's a doctor, too!

Action two.

Same and the same.
There are steaks cooling on the table.

John Smith (in a very formal tone): Mr. Cameron assumes you misunderstood him. It's not about pussy. It's about pussy.
Putin waits expectantly.
JOHN SMITH (gradually blushing and half-whispering): Pussies! Not the pussies that are fluffy... though... Not the pussies that catch mice... (turns crimson).
Putin nods encouragingly and waits very interestedly.
John Smith (relieved): Mr Cameron means musicians!
Putin (with interest): McCartney?
John Smith (translator's eyelid begins to twitch): No, not so traditional...
Putin: Ah! Got it! Elton John?
John Smith (shudders with his whole body): No! No, it's about your musicians!
Putin (excitedly): Oh! I love music. I even know some musicians. Yura the musician. Andrey the musician... I even correspond with him...

Action three.

Same and there.
There are cold steaks on the table.

John Smith (gathering his strength): Mr. Cameron is referring to the unbridled... rebellious... young girls...
Putin (sympathetically): Occupy Wall Street? Or how do you say, take over the City....
Cameron (pushing back the stunned interpreter): Mr Putin, I'm talking about the women's music band Mad Vaginas who are on trial in Moscow for unauthorised performance!
Putin (with understanding): Ah! You should have said so straight away!
Cameron (demanding): We're concerned that they want to be severely punished!
Putin (nodding): Who?
Cameron (suddenly speaking in clear Russian): Rebellious pussies! Unruly pussies! Rebellious vaginas! Pussy Riot!
Putin (understandingly): Yes, of course. Don't be strict.
Cameron sits down at the table, exhaling.

Epilogue

The same and the same.

Cameron eats a cold steak. Putin picks the steak suspiciously with a fork. Then with a nod he summons his adviser.

Putin (whispering): Kolya, and you still call Onishchenko... Tell him to impose a quarantine on British
pussies... I mean cats. And also on beef. Just in case.

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