[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 665
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- I'm Flight 1418, reading you fine, zero fuel, zero altitude. I've been in Hangar Two for an hour. If you can hear me, shake the tower
Watson asks Holmes - Holmes, have you really seen the dog of Baskerville?
Sherlock sticks in his pipe and holds it out to the doctor:
- Try it, Watson, you'll see something else
Once Holmes and Watson were flying in a balloon. And they fell asleep.
They woke up above unknown territory and saw a man grazing cows on the ground. So they went down and asked the guy:
- Tell me, sir, where are we?
(he pondered) - In a hot air balloon.
- Thank you, sir! - And went upwards. Holmes said thoughtfully:
- Interesting terrain, Watson! A programmer herding the cows!
- But, Holmes, what makes you think he is a programmer?
- It is elementary! Firstly, he thought for long time over his answer. Secondly, his answer was absolutely precise. And most importantly - completely useless!
The new boss, tricky as it turns out. Called everyone in with their keyboards. Whoever's got
the letters on their keyboards wore off, he kept them, and the ones with the arrows wiped off.
fired the hell out of them.
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- Why does Prokhorov want to be prime minister and not president?
- Because it would break the 200-year-old pattern of changing rulers
"bald-haired."
- So what? There will be another "long-short" pattern.
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Only in Russia everyone is waiting to see who the presidential candidate will be,
without expecting anything from him.
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News:
"Avtovaz will make wheelchairs!
- What is the plant doing now?
- They are building a customer base for future production.
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Whatever the government tries to do, it works the other way round,
They fought corruption and now there's more of it,
They abolished the technical inspection, it has become twice as expensive....
I demand that the government lower my salary!!!!
The kindest channel on TV right now is the porn channel, no explosions, no killing, everyone loves each other and a happy ending.
***
- Séma, did you hear that Rabinovitch's wife ran away?
- And how is he?
- Well, now he's more or less calmed down, but at first he was mad with joy.
***
The paradox of the internet: it connects people who are far away but disconnects people who are close by.
***
- Hello, this is Small Business Alpha calling.
- "We're not worried about Small Business Alpha," the other end answered and hung up.
***
A teacher wrote to the parents in the diary of a Jewish child: "Sema smells bad". The next day the reply in the diary was, "Shema doesn't need to be smelled, he needs to be taught!"
***
- My daughters, I'm going on a long journey, what can I bring you from there?
- Dad, is there any way we can go and get bread in a less pretentious way?
Yesterday on REN-TV, on the programme "Russian Tales", Dorenko and Lyubimov discussed the scandal with the Taganka actors. The maestro angrily announced that they could not hire him, because he had been through two wars! And Dorenko's young assistant decided to clarify for the illiterate viewers and added - "The Civil War and the Patriotic War!".