[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 549

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A woman comes to confession.
- I am a sinner, Father, every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think, "How beautiful I am!"
- It's not a sin, my daughter, it's a delusion.

***

School. At the last desk, Vovochka and his classmate are talking. She says:
- Look, yesterday I found out that I got pregnant again - now I have to have an abortion again...
Vova replies:
- I just found out I'm fucking pregnant again, so I'll have to have another abortion...
Then Marivanna turns to them:
- OK! Don't talk in there! Come on, Vova, answer the square root of 144.
- 12, Marivanna, 12... We wish we had your problems...

***

I read Carnegie, decided I'd start the next day with a smile. I spent the first half of the day smiling at everyone, as sincerely as possible.
At lunchtime, my boss came up to me and said:
- "If you come to work stoned again, I'll fire you!


 

Army montage. The idea is from an OST cartoon, by the way. Boyan... four or five years old.
.
It's amazing how some artists manage to anticipate the future...
The painting "Timothy in the Matrix". Hence http://3d-v-nature.com/3dgallery/
.

 

Nowhere without surprises http://ekabu.ru/video/39327-video-dnya-syurpriz.html

 

The best gimmick ever. You can pee your pants. From here http://sergeymavrodi.blogspot.com/2011/01/blog-post_9301.html

I had 12 concussions as a child and may not even be fully sane. (It didn't stop me from going to jail, though. :-

How it all works - I myself do not know and do not know and I cannot "explain" anything. I don't know how it works.

I don't know how it worked. I don't understand it either. (I'm fucking surprised myself!!! :-)) I'm like an illiterate Aladdin who found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared. Fulfilled all my wishes. And hid in the lamp again. But where did this genie come from and what is its nature (and how can it fit into the lamp, for crying out loud!) - Aladdin is unaware. (Does he really need it? :-)).

 

Oh I yelled - on the Kostroma Jedi forum, a girl decided to sell a mink coat. People asked for a picture of it. The girl took a picture, photoshopped off her head, leaving the rest of her body visible. And then it started - people got creative - they edited the fur coat. There are about 40 photos. Here are some of them (link to the thread here).

 
Here's another such Oral branch about selling a scooter. It's a few years old now, but people are still yelling from it :) http://moto.kiev.ua/forum/?trid=perls/1162393539473
 

- If I were a Decembrist and I were exiled to hard labor, I wouldn't take my wife with me.
- Why not?
- She'd ruin the whole penal colony!

***

- Where have you been?
- Papa took me to town to see the zoo.
- What did you see?
- Ooh, a huge tiger! A striped one, with fangs, walking around the cage, and then when he comes to the bars, he goes: "F-f-f-f-h-h."
- Liar. I know a tiger, he growls like this: "R-r-r-r-r..."
- Well, that's if he's muzzle-approaching...

***

- My wife's sulking about something and won't talk to me. Naive, it's my third marriage, I'm the champion of silence, I can keep quiet for two days.
- Two days? You can't do more than that?
- No woman can stand the sight of a happy husband for more than two days in silence!

***

Two buddies meet. One says:
- Can you imagine, yesterday I made a joke announcement in the newspaper that there will be a gathering of assholes in the town square at 12 o'clock.
- Ha-ha-ha! Probably no one came!
- The whole square was packed!
- Oh, yeah?!
- Everyone came to see who's coming!

***

With the right selection of literature in the toilet, you can get a pretty good education.

***

The wife wakes up her husband:
- Vasya, wake up! Wake up! Do you know that you... in your bed... ...in the bed?!
-?!
- You must have dreamt something scary? - my wife suggested.
- Yes, it was horrible! I was attacked by a giant toothy shark!
- Oh, I would have died!
- But I'm a... A MAN!!!

***

Cooking tips.
If you boil jacket potatoes, you only have to peel the ones you'll be eating yourself.




 
 

on the subject of spelling:

According to the illusions of one Anligui Unviertiset, it does not matter which spelling is used to burn the beakers in the soliloquy. The product should not be on the grid, but it should be available in a flat container, all of which can be read without any problems. It is also a peculiarity that we do not read any of the beads separately, but all of them as a whole.

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