[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 148
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Answer: It's because of assholes like you that there won't be any files on the Internet
on the Internet.
CV (spelling and punctuation preserved):
Kharkov AITISHnik.Kharkov, I rent a flat
home. no
mobile. still will not call, you will lose your resume, I will call you myself.
Position:
Lead developer, project manager. Deep understanding of the software development industry in outsourcing, customer spinning money, creating a strong sense of teamwork and project development with a realistic zero return and the lack of programmers skills of any kind. Extensive experience in managing teams of students who know nothing (KHRE), pompous graduates who know something (KAI) and smart guys who know something for nothing, who will leave in two months for higher wages or abroad anyway (Physics and Technology / Mechanics and Mathematics Department of KSU). In-depth understanding of negotiating with customers/investors, knowledge of discounts at all the prestigious saunas, clubs and, um. massage centres.
Awards and certifications:
* Brainbench - all possible certifications, including English, which I got when benches were still free and I had no business doing.
* MSSE - issued by the last big company I worked for, making me memorize
test answers and giving a small bribe to the certifying firm.
* Third place in the district maths olympiad in the eighth form, which I am still very proud of (the teams from the 27th and 89th school had a full stomach after a joint drinking party).
Professional skills:
Languages:
* C/C++ - read Straustrup one and a half times. I've got about a dozen of dumb jokes I don't need in my life, with which I can wreck any smart guy at a job interview. Actually C++ is not an object-oriented language, not like Java or SmallTalk.
* JAVA - unlike C++, it's a language in which I can actually write a demo of any mega-order and confidently extend it for six months. JAVA is a real object-oriented language!
* PHP, C#, VB, JS, DHTML, Delphi, Pyton, Perl, Tcl/Tk and other nerdy words - I'll bend my fingers in an interview anyway, so much so that some expert boy will be afraid to fart, let alone ask me specifically about these items.
Databases:
I know Oracle, OK? Everything else sucks! MySQL doesn't even have transactions, don't make me laugh! I won't answer on Oracl anyway because I'm a project manager not some DBA.Operating systems::laugh::laugh::laugh:
Windows and UNIX - I own equally. Deep understanding of the architecture and design of these systems, system and application layers. To be honest, I've seen old Solaris once from afar, but I have a friend, he's a night-administrator at internet-cafe and knows how to get a user into FreeBSD - if anything he'll help. I know Windows has NativeAPI.:laugh::laugh::laugh:the rest of the fancy crap:
I'm fluent in bug-tracking, version control, automatic updates, work scheduling systems. I know Microsoft Project and how to suppress a novice developer's psyche with sadistic work schedules. Draw huge, intimidating diagrams in Rational Rose, in which no one will understand anything, but the customer will be delighted, and programmers-executives are confused and frightened (which was required). Well versed in language, know the names of all the classical books, ready to argue at any time about
abstractions: OOP, design and architecture, relational databases. I know by heart how one Gang of Four template differs from another.
Don't know the patterns themselves.:laugh::laugh::laugh:
Work experience (in direct order):
1. Laboratory at the university
Our department bought a stump and none of the humanitarians knew what to do with it. I typed papers for the professors, ran Lines for the postgraduates and Solitaire for the head of the department. For this I was given credit, a white coat and a work book, so that my seniority would be used. The book is still lying in the department, no one company does not take it.
2. Serious Institute
I had worked for a year after graduation, I got a job as a programmer at the Institute. The real programmers were in the Soviet Union, they were all sixty years old and some of them worked for Microsoft! All the young programmers ? that's not what they are anymore ! The programmers at the Institute smoked Cosmos and drew flowcharts, which were then sent to the drawing department, from where they went for approval. For a year I was running after cigarettes and drawings, and in my spare time I read Straustrup. At that time I did not yet know how programmers work in Kharkov. A year later, I left the Institute for the Bank. The Institute was classified, so what we wrote there - I do not know until now.
3. Bank
In the Bank, we wrote a huge distributed system on Oracle. The payroll at the end of each month was for some reason summed up in an older version of FoxPro. The head of the bank's IT department used to take orders from the Internet and let young programmers write them. At the bank I learned how to excuse myself from work, earn good money, pretend to work, write PHP, and keep the conversation about Oracle in the smoking room. I didn't read any more Stroustrup. And I haven't read anything else on programming in general.
4. Very Large Kharkov Firm (OKHF)
Just before the crisis, I had entered OKHF owing to my serious resume (Institute, Bank) and my knowledge of Oracle. In OKHF I went to seminars, presentations, parties and to the canteen. Sometimes I was going to install Windows on my machine, but somehow I never got around to it. At OKHF we talked a lot about philosophy, enterprise technology, programming languages and relational databases. I learned a lot in OKHF, but the main thing, they taught me, was that I'm a VERY CRAZY PROGRAMMER, because I work in OKHF. I also learned the names of a lot of books, many of which are still not in Russian, but in the OKHF library they were. At least, that was the common belief. Then the crisis struck and I was kicked out together with the others.
5. Kharkov Small Outsourcing Firm (HMAF)
It was hard to find a job during the crisis, but after the experience of OKHF, and thanks to my solid experience, knowledge of banking and enterprise-technology and a cool CV, I found a job at HMAF relatively easily. In the two and a half years I worked there, the team changed completely four times and the firm's name three times. I managed a lot of projects, honing my skills in communicating with the client and pummelling the programmers. Besides, I always knew the moment when a project was about to sink in, and I was able to pass the buck to somebody else in time. I think one project was almost finished, but was accidentally lost during office refurbishment and implementation of a new management system (RUP + Extreme Programming + something of my own). At HMAF, I have reached almost a full understanding of Ukrainian Software Development and how to succeed in it. However, I still had some illusions that maybe someone writes something real and working somewhere. Fortunately, those illusions dissipated after I was invited to work at:
6. The Coolest Company (CCM)
At CCM, I'm currently working as a business line manager. The huge projects that SCC has been doing since time immemorial will never fail, because none of them will ever end and none of them will ever work. As for medium-sized projects, they fail with high skill and profit, sometimes even the stupefied customer is left in the belief that he got what he wanted.
I don't care deeply about my current place of work, I don't care about programmers or customers, as you can see - I have learned the FAO of the IT manager. I'll consider any job change offer, if you offer a salary twice as high as my current one, and I'll quit the hell out of this CCM without a second thought. Besides, it's starting to get a bit smelly around here because of the last two failed projects for which I got bonuses and a car loan.
rake. Usually their first piece of advice is to step on the rake again and compare
the experience.
Technical support - a service that gives advice on what to do after stepping on a
rake. Usually their first piece of advice is to step on the rake again and compare
the experience.
About the rake https://www.mql5.com/ru/forum/126608
- Who's your ISP?
- FSB.
- What do you mean, FSB?!
- Like they're bugging our office, so I use them to...
while the programmer is hard at work typing something. The girl is there to distract his attention:
- Yesterday we had an ENELO hanging out under the window!
(the programmer keeps looking at his computer).
- Everything hangs when you are outside - you need to install LINUX... LINUX!!!!
drknndrknn
So why are you lying? These stories - allegedly told by your acquaintances - have been on the net for ages...
Have you ever tried trading?
Where the Hackers begin...
Where do Hackers start?
With a trojan in your pisuke,
An admin who walks in on you
With a heavy object in his hand.
Or maybe they start
With a modem plugged into your mother,
And on your first attempt at "basesic,"
To break down the number of lives?
Where do hackers start?
With a desire to sleep in the morning,
With a collection of cracks and viruses
And hacking free software.
Or maybe they start
With downloading the CPU in the evening,
♪ with all the combinations ♪
that never see the end of it?
Where do hackers start?
With windows hanging in the distance,
From an old floppy disk with a debugger
That we found somewhere in the wardrobe.
Or maybe they start
With a root password sniffer
And with a nickname of slashes and brackets,
Without which a hacker isn't cool?