Interesting and Humour - page 2442
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Here we are. The landlady's mother arrived. I greeted her with bread and salt. I mean crumbs on the bed and salt in the tea. I don't like guests. The cat told me I was a sociopath. I don't disagree.
October 5.
A chav in a cast came to meet my mum. Even the tolerant cat couldn't take the nerve. He still pissed. In his shoe. The right one.
October 6.
The cat pissed both the mistress and Zinaida Zakharovna, her mother. The husband abstained. The cat endured everything heroically. Then he asked me if he looked like Joan of Arc. How does he know about her?
October 7.
We played football with the cat with a champagne cork. Zinaida Zakharovna stepped on it and ran her forehead right into the cupboard. Now we call her Zinedine Zidane. Behind her eyes, of course.
October 8.
The landlady complained to Zidane about me. She replied that it was all nonsense and put away my cup of milk. This is war. Carthage must be destroyed.
October 9.
At an emergency meeting, Cat declared himself neutral. Traitor! It's all right, I'll do it myself.
October 10.
At night I strangled my grandmother. I don't care! Now she's snoring like a sow!
October 11.
At two o'clock this morning, the landlady and the granny bumped into each other at the fridge. A meeting of gut bangers on the Elbe, damn it!
October 12.
No mood for war. Spent the whole day on the bed with Granny watching season 27 of Field of Dreams on DVD. Laughing at her comments.
October 14th.
Talked to my cat about string theory. Agreed that it was much easier to play "Eighth grader" on a six-string.
15 October.
The heating is on. At last! The cat thinks that the film "Batteries ask for fire" is about the workers of the housing and utilities infrastructure.
October 16.
Told the cat that if he climbs onto the dining table, it will assert its leadership in the flat. The cat hesitated for a long time, but climbed up. The landlady appeared, as usual, unexpectedly. As he flew past me, he managed to call me a turd. Twice.
October 17.
At night I whispered in my grandmother's ear that it was time for her to go home. She got up and went to eat dumplings. Women... No logic...
October 18.
The cat has decided to give up eating kitekat. Walks around angry, nervous. Went to the balcony five times during the night, like to go to the toilet. Kitekat stinks to high heaven. He's off his rocker, but he keeps saying he can quit at any time. He doesn't quit because it calms him down.
October 19.
It seems the grandmother is going home. Glory to Perun!
October 20.
We gave Granny a farewell party. The cat took a shit (!) in her galoshes. She must have pissed him off, too. Granny didn't notice, so she walked on. Taught the cat to pee on a crab. A decent thing to do. Goodbye, Zinedine! You'll always be in our hearts! We'll remember you like this - in galoshes full of g***a...
October 22nd.
Dropped an icon on my mistress. My bowl is back in place. I think we are beginning to find common ground.
23 October.
Told the cat that claws are best sharpened on upholstered furniture. Now he sits in the locked storeroom and yells obscene ditties about the Ghosts. By the way, some of them are very good.
October 24th.
Khakhalya got his cast off. Came in today. Studying the anatomy. They say the clavicle breaks very easily. That's where we're staying.
October 25th.
The owner wants to get a dog. The cat pisses in every way and angle. Let's see who's who...
© CheshireCo
4 October.
Here we are. The landlady's mother arrived. I greeted her with bread and salt. I mean crumbs on the bed and salt in the tea. I don't like visitors. The cat told me I was a sociopath. No argument there.
...
© CheshireCo
10 July.
© CheshireCo.I started keeping a diary. I remember the last 150 years, but I've forgotten what was there before. I will write it down, maybe it will come in handy. I stole the notebook from my mistress, I think she will not notice.
July 11th.
You didn't wash the dishes? Say goodbye to your earrings. You people are getting too relaxed...
July 12.
It was boring. All night racing around the house with the cat. The landlady woke up, kicked him and locked him in the pantry. For that, he squeezed the rest of the toothpaste into the trash. The cat is upset and angry at me for chasing together and only getting it.
July 14.
At night he was rattling the dishes and stomping about out of his mind. Mistress crawled under the covers and thought it would help her. She's a funny one...
July 15.
A fat priest with a censer came and stank up the whole house. Told the landlady everything would be all right. But fuck you... I can't be persuaded by a censer.
July 17th.
Fucked off the cupboard, broke a vase. The cat got it again. Now he won't talk to me. He just sits there and looks at me with disapproval. It's embarrassing...
July 18th.
The owner was vacuuming. Spent an hour and a half with the cat under the bed. Hell of a machine! But we made peace with the cat.
July 21.
Didn't write for a long time, after the landlady cleaned it, looked for the diary for three days. Nothing interesting. Some guy came to her place with flowers, stayed the night. Asked the cat to piss in his shoes. He resisted for a long time, but I promised him I'd get the toy out from under the sofa. He agreed. Got beaten up again. Says I'm shit.
July 22nd.
Strangled the landlady at night, old habit. Now the man sleeps over every night. Says he'll protect her. Fucking Rambo!
July 23rd.
Choked the man last night. Fucked up already. I don't like him.
July 24th.
Been cleaning house. Mistress can't find the chain. Thinking of putting it in the cat's litter box.
July 27.
The battle of the psychics came by. Fucked everyone, nobody sent them back. But they said I was the spirit of the missus's dead grandfather. Fuck that. He left two years ago.
July 29th.
The landlady leaves me milk under the stove now. She thinks I sleep there. She's an idiot! I'm sleeping on the bed with her now, luckily the man pisses and doesn't come back.
July 30th.
I put icons all over the flat. Went around, looked at them... They used to draw better...
August 2.
To the Airborne Troops!
August 3.
The landlady ran around the house all day looking for the cat. Thought it had run away. Sitting in the wardrobe, laughing.
August 5.
Forgot to turn on stealth mode. Mistress ran to get hair dye.
August 9.
Sang songs with the cat. Mistress called the vet. The cat is now worried about his charundulas.
August 12.
She sold the flat after all. What a bastard! We moved out yesterday. We agreed to correspond with the cat through pigeons. When we moved out, I found him shitting under the stove. What a bastard!
August 14th.
A new family moved in... Well, well...
In spite of Gazprom...
It's a set-up.
That collective farm has never had gas, they don't give a shit about Gazprom.
And the girl's from the city. The locals don't have light stripes on their breasts.
Household Diary: Part 2
20 August.
© CheshireCoI miss my cat. He writes to me that he doesn't miss me because the question of the Charandulas is still open. He's lying, the bastard!
August 21.
Talked to their Domovik. He doesn't mind swapping. Especially as it's a three and they've got a two. I've arranged for the pigeons to move in. They asked for half a loaf of crumbs. They've gone mad! They're citing inflation.
August 22nd.
Packed the trunk, waiting for the pigeons.
August 24th.
Hooray! Moved in!!! The cat pretended not to be happy. Then he offered to look out the window. Told me he missed me too. We hugged.
August 25th.
Told the cat that there was a baba in the mirror. He walks around, scaring me.
August 26.
Drank the milk from the cat's bowl. Told him it was flies. He went to negotiate with the spider to give the flies to him.
August 27th.
Slipped in the bathroom. Bumped his tailbone. The mistress lost her favourite hairpin.
August 28.
The mistress has a new boyfriend. The cat won't piss in his shoes. The toy doesn't work anymore. If he stays overnight, I'll strangle him.
August 29.
Chal slipped in the bathtub. Bumped his tailbone. Laughed with the cat under the sink. Gave his mistress back her hairpin.
August 30th.
Played hide-and-seek with the cat. Pretending to look for him. Just wanted some peace. I know he's in the wardrobe.
August 31st.
The cat's mad that I forgot to find him and he's been in the washing machine all day. And I thought he had no imagination...
September 1.
It's knowledge day. The cat ate a primer.
September 3rd.
September 3rd, the day of farewell,
The day when the fires of the rowan trees burn,
As the fires of promises burn
On a day when I'm all alone...
And the cat is still with me. And my mistress.
September 4th.
The lad is surprisingly stubborn. Walks and walks. How do I explain to him that I'm allergic to roses?
September 5th.
Told the cat he saw a mouse in the flat. The cat is on the warpath. Doesn't sleep at night, sits in an ambush.
September 7.
The cat told me he caught it while I was asleep. I won't upset him. Let him think I believed him.
September 8.
Stole my boyfriend's car keys. And he stayed the night. The cat said the strategist in me died before he was born. Shit, I guess he's right. I got the keys back. Told the cat there was no mouse. He's mad, doesn't talk.
September 9.
Cat's sucking up to the missus now. Has overturned its litter box. And because you should not exchange your friends for women!
September 10.
I've run out of notebooks. I'm going to rummage in the landlady's bag.
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