[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 512

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- Hello, do you sell dollars?
- Yeah, why?
- How much?
- 7 rubles a quid.
- !? And what bank is this?
- It's a printing house.
 

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Positive for today!!!

Decided to use my favourite search engine... and this is what I got from it :))


 
 

From the anecdotes:

Bill, the users have already found a thousand bugs in the new version of Windows!!! It's all going to hell! Chief, we're totally screwed!" But Bill Gates silently took a calculator, multiplied a thousand bugs by the total number of computers in the world and, rubbing his hands together, showed the frightened employee a nine-figure figure of future company revenues

 

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At the zoo, a child, excitedly pointing his finger at a cage of primates, shouts:
- Mummy! Mummy! Look - programmers!
- What makes you think that?
- They're just like Daddy: unwashed, shaggy and with a blister on their butt!

 

It's not just forex that makes a man happy... I am also interested in sports, and the sports website I visit has some very creative people... here's one of the interesting ones...

All characters are fictional. All coincidences are coincidental.

Above the time-worn entrance to the former local food stall hung a sign reading "Welcome, all members of the Federation Executive Committee!
to all members of the Federation Executive Committee! Have a great harvest!!!"

Inside the vegetable store, at a table covered with green cloth and decorated with a decanter with glasses and a telephone, sat two people. A group of journalists stood in the stalls with cameras, cameras, dictaphones and notebooks. It was obvious from the faces of everyone present that they had been waiting for a long time and it was also obvious from the state of affairs in the report of the bullet, which four of them were writing out. It was obvious from them that they were not from around here. And the haughty demeanour of the visiting gentlemen made it obvious that they were from the capital.
The telephone rang. One of those sitting at the table nervously rushed to the receiver with the face of a man expecting some very important message
- Yes! Yes, I'm listening! Yes! Of course we're ready!!! Harlequin Pinocchio, of course we're ready. Two cases were delivered yesterday. How the fuck...? Arl... Bur... Got it... Got it... Got it... Pass it on... Pass it on.
All those present, holding their breath, waiting for the end of the conversation and organising a dead silence, looked questioningly at the speaker. Having hung up the receiver, the speaker approached his colleague on the table and began to whisper something in his ear, gesticulating furiously at the same time. After listening to his colleague, the man, who apparently considered himself in charge, stood up and said:
- I declare open the press conference dedicated to the opening of the Pidori Nasekomov School of High Judicial Excellence! Please ask your questions to Pidorius!

From the audience went out:
-Which Pidorius? Which school? We've been called here to cover a sensation! There's supposed to be an open Executive Committee here!?? Comrade Vegetable, what's up? Porey Batunovich, that wasn't our agreement!!!

Vegetable gets up from the table:

-Calm down comrades, calm down!!! We received a telegram from the headquarters that due to unforeseen circumstances the venue of the executive committee has been urgently postponed!!! Well, we can't cancel the event!!!? Here come the guests from the capital!!! You gentlemen, what editions do you represent? - he addressed to those playing preference games.

- I'm Naum Cunt, Sex as Sport Monthly.
- And I'm Bzdiszek Zachodowski, Gambling Yearbook.
- I'm Stoyan Rakov, "V hudok!"
- Gaga Bucklan Dyatlovich, local correspondent of the Stolichny zvezdobolets multi-newspaper.

Vegetable Blossom:
- Well, there you see how solid the publications are!!!

The dissatisfaction was subsiding.

- Questions, please! Come on, gentlemen!

- I have a question for you, Porey Batunovich! - The voice of the loon reporter resounded - What was the motive for establishing this school in our village?

- Um.... The motive... Pidorius, don't you remember what it was? I think something from Arkasha the North or the Pearl Brothers! Something like that... But not Mozart or Rachmaninoff, that's for sure! I remember there was something about a grandmother...

The faggot replied with a coquettish smile:

- There was also something about feeling...

- Well, that's the fucking, um, motive!

- Fagorius, how do you feel the game? - continued to ask the loon.

- It's no secret that I used to be an active player, and I had to play for our village in important competitions. By the way, I have been voted the best player of the team in knock-out tournaments. In general, I have a lot of game experience. That's what helps me! Ever since I've had to trade my stick for a whistle I feel the game very well. For example, when Perdyaevka play with Dyatlovka, I can feel straight away that there's nothing to do! Take a sick day and recuse yourself! Well, except for travel allowance and standard payments, nothing! But, for example, Trubochnyk and Tatarkovka, a completely different story!!! The farms there and their chairmen are tough! It is felt that the teams will not just fight for the idea!!! For my invaluable experience, for my gut!!! To my integrity. That's the kind of game it's a pleasure to officiate.

- And what are the goals of the school? - asked the handheld columnist, "In the hooter!"

- We set high goals for ourselves! Nurturing a changing officiating corps for our sport! Many of us will soon be retiring from officiating, due to age. Not many of us will be able to get our passports changed and our year of birth changed at the same time. Everyone knows the old saying of our President: "Judges are not mushrooms! They don't grow without dough!!!". So, we bring it to life. And bring it to future generations.

- What do you intend to teach future referees? - A freelance correspondent of a local handwritten publication asked,

- There are three fundamental theses embedded in the curriculum. "Money will win - all the same!" - That's the first one. "No matter how much you shout bad things about me, the result is in the record!" - is the second. And the third: "No matter how many protests you make, the money is in your pocket!
The most important thing for a young referee is to understand that regulations are written and rewritten, but no one has cancelled the money.

- Who will you be recruiting to teach? Will there be stars? - The manuscript writer would not let up.

- Of course there will be!!! Only the most trusted people! For example: my namesake with a broken football destiny Pidoriy Svinar from Oblomsk, Okhlamoniy Bzdupukov from Kabakansk, Bodrey Prilippov from Klopopprityrsk. I think that the list of arbitration masters will be constantly expanded. We will involve all the worthy ones in the training work with our pupils. We have enough resources in our stock, I think. If only there were something to eat! Right, Porej Batunovic?

Vegetable, bored out of his nose, woke up:

- Of course, of course! Kumirovich, the slob, will help us! - and saluted the kazavoy into the hall. - It's not the first time we've had a milliard!!!

The audience went around the room: "Waaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!!? CAAAAMM!!!??

- Yes, yes, SAM!!!

The audience fell silent in awe.

Satisfied with the furore, Vegetable said:

- Everyone in the back! To the banquet!

The writing crowd cheered and moved in the direction of the room to which Vegetable had pointed.

Meanwhile at Federation headquarters....

(Continues)

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