[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 521
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- Do you think it's OK to send me a "you're already fucked" text at 7am on my birthday?
***
Once upon a time, there was Vasya. He used to drink like all students, but he couldn't stop in time, so he got home on all fours in a mute condition. His main problem was that after such binge drinking his parents took the keys from the flat with them the next day. As a result, Vasya stayed home "sick. This did not suit him, as he was missing a hangover day. So he came up with the idea of hiding the keys himself when he returned.
So, he "comes home" one drunken Friday, remembers his idea about the keys, hides them and quietly crawls back to bed to sleep. On Saturday, your parents didn't go to work (it's your day off, after all). At 11 o'clock they wake Vasya up and ask him:
- Vasya, tell us, dear, where did you hide the keys yesterday?
Vasya, wrinkling his forehead, tries to remember what happened yesterday, but to no avail (he was on a good drinking spree and his memory has been wiped clean). From then on his mother was the only one to remind him, because his father only put up with the question and then went to his room, and there he "sobbed" by burying his face in the pillow, and occasionally grunted.
- You came in yesterday," said your mother, "gently opened the door, undressed in the hallway and fell down with a crash, which woke up your father. Next you got up on your knees, you couldn't get any higher. On all fours, your forehead opening the door, you crawled into our bedroom. My father and I sat down in bed. You crawled across the room to the edge of the carpet and...tucking away the corner, you hid the keys there saying "let them try and find it now".
***
Do the advertisements in the newspapers get results?
- Of course they do! On Monday there was an advertisement saying that we were looking for a caretaker, and on Wednesday we were burgled.
- Do you think it's OK to send me a "you're already fucked" text at 7am on my birthday?
***
Once upon a time, there was Vasya. He drank like all students, but he couldn't stop in time, so he got home on all fours in a mute condition. But his main problem was that after such binge drinking his parents took the keys from the flat with them the next day. As a result, Vasya stayed home "sick. This did not suit him, as he was missing a hangover day. So he came up with the idea of hiding the keys himself when he returned.
So, he "comes home" one drunken Friday, remembers his idea about the keys, hides them and quietly crawls back to bed to sleep. On Saturday, your parents didn't go to work (it's your day off, after all). At 11 o'clock they wake Vasya up and ask him:
- Vasya, where did you hide the keys yesterday?
Vasya, wrinkling his forehead, tries to remember what happened yesterday, but to no avail (he was on a good drinking spree and his memory has been wiped clean). From then on his mother was the only one to remind him, because his father only put up with the question and then went to his room, and there he "sobbed" by burying his face in the pillow, and occasionally grunted.
- You came in yesterday," said your mother, "gently opened the door, undressed in the hallway and fell down with a bang, waking up your father. Next you got up on your knees, you couldn't get any higher. On all fours, your forehead opening the door, you crawled into our bedroom. My father and I sat down in bed. You crawled across the room to the edge of the carpet and...tucking away the corner, you hid the keys there saying "let them try and find it now".
***
Do the advertisements in the newspapers get results?
- Of course they do! On Monday there was an advertisement saying we were looking for a caretaker and on Wednesday we were burgled.
I'm sorry, of course, but it's not funny... (flat - to put it mildly...). That's how it used to be!!! OOOOOH... Just kidding...:-)))
>
>
A Soviet merchant ship calls at a Japanese port for loading.
A brave sailor decided to try a capitalist remedy against
and walked into the nearest shop. And the gestures he used to explain to the local merchant
to the local merchant what he wanted, history is silent. But in the end.
they put two spray cans in front of him and a price was written down. So that
not to waste currency, the sailor split the price in half, paid fair and
took one. The Japanese swore, tried to shove a second can and get
but the sailor remained adamant and told the exploiter of the working class to go away.
exploiter of the working class and went back to the ship. There he generously sprayed
the cabin and went about his direct duties. Returning in the evening to his cabin
the sailor opened the door, shouted, closed it, opened it, shouted again, took the
the spray can, closed it, and spouting good old hard ship's swear words at all the
capitalist bastard went to the interpreter. It turned out that the product
consisted of two components: bait and poison. The whole crew took a tour of the cabin
the whole crew took a tour of the cabin, no one had ever imagined that such a small room
such a small room could get so many cockroaches.
***
Ilya Muromets approached the spring. He just bent down to have a drink of water, when suddenly a dragon takes off from nowhere and begins to glide. Ilya took out his sword and began to slay the serpent. And the dragon got more and more heads. He fought for three days and three nights, until he was completely exhausted. And then the dragon asked the bogatyr melancholy:
- What did you want, Ilyusha?
- To drink from the spring.
- Well, who stopped you...?
xxx: Did the server get brought to you?
yyy: Yes.
xxx: And the rack?
yyy: Yeah.
xxx: We're sorry, but it looks like we shipped the wrong rack (or did we?) as a result of a mix-up.
xxx: What did your system administrator say?
yyy: He said: "%censored% %censored% %censored% %censored% %censored% %censored% %censored% %censored% %censored% in my mouth".
***
Wife: so should I buy this pretty handbag?
Me (not distracted from my work): yes, take it...
Wife: Man, you're a waste of money!
American forum:You ask a question, then you get an answer.
Israeli forum: You ask a question, then they ask you a question.
Russian forum (alternatively MQL forum): You ask a question, then they tell you how much of an asshole you are.
American forum:You ask a question, then you get an answer.
Israeli forum: You ask a question, then they ask you a question.
Russian forum (alternatively MQL forum): You ask a question, then they tell you how much of an asshole you are.
They just don't like "wrong" questions here :-)
It's just that they don't like "wrong" questions here :-)
A "wrong" question on an American forum simply says that English is not native to this Chinese (Hindu, Russian) and can be forgiven. In Russian, you can see everything at once without an X-ray.