[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 518

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A man wakes up feeling very tired. He staggers into the kitchen. Opens the taps, drinks greedily. Then he yells:
- Wife! Get up! Wake up the kids!!! Try how good the water tastes!!!
 
Willpower is seeing My Messages (1), turning off the computer and going to bed.
 
One day an old, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. He was wearing a collar and was quite well-fed, so I knew he was not homeless and was well looked after. The dog calmly came towards me and I stroked his head, then he followed me into the house, slowly crossed the hallway, curled up in a crouch and fell asleep.

The next day he came in again, greeted me in the yard, went back into the house and fell asleep in the same place. He slept for about an hour.

This went on for a few weeks. Eventually I got curious and pinned a note to his collar that read: "I would like to know who the owner of this beautiful dog is, and does he (i.e. you) know that the dog comes to me for a nap almost every day?"

The next day the dog came again and the following reply was attached to his collar: "He lives in a house with six children, two of whom are not yet three years old. So he's just trying to sleep it off somewhere. Can I come and see you tomorrow too?"
 

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drknn:
Willpower is seeing My Messages (1), turning off the computer and going to bed.
:)
 

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The boss has a "sick" status on his Facebook page and 16 people have already clicked on the "like" button ...=)
 
Three examples of female chauvinism told by a father-in-law to his son-in-law:
1. Soviet times. Early in the morning, the father-in-law is sitting in the kitchen, quietly eating the sour cream he just bought at the dairy shop. His wife enters the kitchen and, seeing this mess (her husband sitting peacefully devouring the sour cream), asks:
- Why are you eating sour cream? You should have left it for the child!
My father-in-law does not turn his head:
- There's more - and continues grazing peacefully.
- What if I want some too?
- Open the fridge, there's enough for you.
- Isn't my mother human?
The father-in-law turns round, stares at his wife, and then says separately:
- I have bought for all," and goes back to his work.
There is a pause for a second, after which the wife says:
- Why did you spend so much money?
2. same actors. The father-in-law has helped a friend move from flat to flat and is now suffering from back pain for the third day. Bewildered by the pain, he decides to take extreme measures - to smear "holy" Vietnamese balsam "Star". It should be noted that at that time "Zvezdochka" was a rarity, and was not found in every pharmacy, as now. They used to bring it on foreign trips to Hungary and Poland and believed it to be a miracle cure for all ills and to raise the dead on their feet. It was this balm which my father-in-law smeared on his long-suffering back, and was just putting the jar back in its place when my mother-in-law entered the room. When she caught the peculiar smell, she thought, "It smells like Vietnamese perfume!" and asked straight out:
- "Have you been rubbing on Zvezdochka?"
- Yes, why? - My father-in-law answered without feeling any tricks.
Next comes the key phrase:
- You know that "Zvezdochka" is needed in emergencies, when ANYONE THAT WOULD BE INSANE!!!
3. our days. The cast is the same. My father-in-law is sent to the grocery shop for breakfast. All members of the family
made grocery requisitions. This was accompanied by haggling and as a result everyone ordered something: some cottage cheese, some cheese, etc. The mother-in-law says in a sweet voice to her husband:
- What would YOU PERSONALLY like?
The father-in-law, carelessly relaxed, dreamily gives out:
- Hunting sausages...
My mother-in-law sharply turns serious and says:
- No! Don't buy them! They give me heartburn.
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