[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 157
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Humour thread on the Forensic Science Forum
http://www.sudmed.ru/index.php?s=880956fa27e32fd1f773f4f30f2d6de7&showtopic=366&st=75&p=86945&#entry86945
Heat of the summer. A bizarre 5 flyers, three of whom are alive and unharmed. Last outing. A call came in for a dead body: a husband had thrown his wife from the 5th floor. Arrived quickly. No corpse under the window, but broken branches, a few drops of blood (signs that something was, is). The area is taiga, 30 metres from the forest. Cops were sent to the woods to check if the body had already been dragged away for concealment. We go up to the flat. There was a woman on the second floor, quite drunk, with a fresh abrasion on her forehead. Didn't realize it right away. The door to the flat is open. We go in - nobody there. I looked out the window and under the window, where we had just looked and there was nobody, there was a body, clearly male and already dead, to all appearances. We went outside: a woman, who we already knew, was sitting on the porch and swearing at her husband with various words. The man under the window was dead.
Circumstances of the case: a married couple was drinking vodka. The wife poured less for her partner than she poured for herself. He got angry and, shouting "Greedy, you bitch!", threw her out the window. A happy landing. Woke up, (no other injuries apart from the abrasion), and shouted: "Ah, you asshole, you're going to throw me out the window!", came home and threw her half similarly out the window. Bottom line: He's dead, she's eight years strictly. And us: we were going for the aunt, we came for the uncle.
http://www.yaplakal.com/uploads/previews/post-3-12765738206184.jpg
15 June, 14:15
Dear Citizens! In this difficult hour, when we are attacked by a maritime partisanen we want to remind the need for order and tranquility!
MVD was, is and will be everything to receive from the cooperation with civilians. In return we guarantee you the basic rights and freedom - free television and the possibility of guesting.
Under no circumstances support partisanen and pravosashitnik! For sympathy we punish house, street, village and even city (see Blagoveshchensk). The foreign powers dream of seizing our free police country. They dream of imposing on us a fair trial, a free media, protected private property and other perversions of the American military.
We are not an occupier! You don't have to carry us malko, eggs and beef. Lexus and Mercedes are enough. We are your friends. Policemen in uniform are always there to help and protect you. In our wards you will find shelter and three meals a day.
We will protect your property, hand them over to us and we will be able to protect it.
No one will interfere with your peaceful life. Walk peacefully from 11 a.m. to 8 p.m., not gathering in groups of two or more and keeping your hands behind your back.
Remember a simple rule: Yield to the blinker! Lower your eyes when facing the riot police! Give up everything the law enforcer asks you for! At the trial, ask for a government lawyer and go to the colonies with gusto! Watch Rossiya and Channel One - the freest TV channel, where they show Shevchuk for 20 seconds once.
...We come to you in peace. Call us if you're in trouble: fire - 01, illness - 03, and there can be no crime, because we protect you and there is no crime, so if you have an inkling - call 03.
Know that freedom is guaranteed, rights are guaranteed, private property is guaranteed. See the list of those who are guaranteed at the next election.
Do not believe the false propaganda of pravosashitnik. Cooperate with us. Surrender five pravosashitnik and you will receive one free of charge for any work on the dacha.
MVD - every day we remember the population!
And only horses fly inspired...
A former student of one of Oryol's universities entered the Surikov Academy of Arts in Moscow by correspondence. This is how it was. Here is the correspondence. The text and punctuation are by the author.
Dear colleagues!
I am sending you my drawing. Please help me draw a normal horse, I spent so much time on it, but it still turns out to be a u***hole with human legs. It's ruining a normal drawing!
Dear Andrei,
there's a real talent in your drawing, the talent of a farmer or an adjuster of high-voltage transmission lines. Your drawing and letter are on display in our gallery. We're all laughing. Thank you very much. If you have any more drawings, send them over immediately.
With tears in your eyes,
Prof. A. Bichukov.
*** Dear colleagues!
Frankly speaking, I didn't expect such frivolity from such esteemed husbands. In my opinion, there's nothing to laugh about, a colleague is asking for your help, what's so funny? It took me three hours to get these ******* horses... I can't draw them, but I did correct some mistakes: the horses have back legs knees - backwards!!!
Dear Andrew!
You'll soon finish off a sick old man. I can't laugh so much, you've hit the spot again, your second drawing is back in the gallery and gathering crowds. You're disrupting classes, the professors can't contain themselves and jump at the mere mention of horses. Clodt, if you know who he is; but it doesn't matter, he also spent a lot of time on horses, and now the late Clodt seems to be spinning so wildly that the centrifugal force is affecting me. Andrew, please answer us the question: to what city does the Russian land owe the birth of such a nugget? What sadist broke the horse's hindquarters, or, perhaps, she damaged them herself while jumping from the tree in the first picture? Who transplanted an essentially thin and harmless horse with elephant knuckles and a dog's head? And what is that sticking out of the horse's, sorry, butt?
Almost blinded by tears of amusement
Prof. A. Bichukov.
*** Dear colleagues!
Though I personally began to doubt your kindness, I think you're all just smug old conservatives who only know how to make fun of me, but to support the Russian school of painting, of which I am a representative, you're not here. I agree with you only in one point: "that which is sticking out of the horse's ass, excuse me" (it's not a bad tail, by the way) should be higher, and it looks like a horse, I won't ask your pardon, I will tell it as it is, ***t, I am not averse to constructive criticism.
Dear Andrew!
I wouldn't dream of making fun of you, on the contrary, the whole academy can't wait to receive letters from you, everyone comes to ask if there is any news from you. This time too, you haven't let us down - in your language, the "Russian school of painting" has once again given everyone the green light, so to speak, by showing all those Lotreks, Monks and Picassians where the horses are herded. By the way, if you have any sketches of other animals, send them by all means, you are, as I understand, an animalist. In the gallery again, but please don't take it wrong and don't be offended, can I ask you some more questions, just to satisfy my curiosity and not only my curiosity? Everybody is very curious. Why is the first horse so long, maybe the mad professor injected it with a dachshund spinal cord extract and why does the poor horse have only two legs? Why did the other horse get its hind legs so mangled? Looks like the horse you sent in earlier jumped off the tree once more. And what are those strange irons on all the horses' legs?
Sincere admirer of your brilliant talent
Prof. A. Bichukov.
"I am not a slacker! I am the prince of the sofa!"