[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 436

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Documentary report from the site of the laughing devils in the ditch, without a dog

Watch out for the mat, lots of mat

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AGREEMENT

The Cat and the Host on living together.

The Landlord in the person of all (any of) the persons of the human race residing at the address N-sk, ul. so-and-so, acting on the basis of the right of strength and authority, hereinafter referred to in the text of the Agreement as "the Master", on the one hand, and the cat, fat and impudent, residing at Master's address, acting on the basis of subservience and dependency, hereinafter referred to in the text of the Agreement as "Cat", "Cattle" or "Asshole", on the other hand, together referred to as "the Parties", have made this Agreement on the following:

1. Subject of the Agreement

The Host shall provide everything necessary for the subsistence and amusement of the Cat and the Cat undertakes to behave in an orderly manner, to comply with the requirements of this Agreement and to bear the responsibilities set forth herein.

2. Rights and obligations of the parties.

2.1 The Master shall:
- Provide food and drinking water to the Cat at least three times a day at his own expense and at his own expense, and to reward the Cat with a shot of valerian (sour cream, cheese, caviar - on holidays) in case of particularly exemplary behaviour;
- to take care that the cat complies with the state standards and the health regulations, if necessary to wash the cat with products that are allowed and safe for animals, to wipe its dirty spots (eyes, ears, bum) with products for optical eyesight, to clip its nails, to comb its hair and to scratch behind its ear;
- pay attention to the cat's physical development, play cat and mouse with him for at least 15 minutes a day, buy him toys that develop sense of logic and imagination, e.g. footballs, mice, PCs;
- Ensure that your cat has access to all areas and corners of your flat, including the window sill, kitchen, bedroom and toilets. If Cat abuses the master's trust, access may be restricted, sometimes severely;
- If Cat requests a woman, ensure that he sees a vet and, if there are no contraindications, arrange a visit. Cognac, flowers, candy and a flat are paid for by the Landlord. All of Cat's alimony obligations, should they arise after the date, will also be the responsibility of the Host;
- Provide a place for Cat to relieve its natural needs and keep it in order by appointing a person to be in charge of cleaning "this Asshole".

2.2 Landlord has the right:

- The Landlord is always right about everything, has the right to everything and it is non-negotiable;
- The Landlord has the right to modify this Agreement at his discretion unilaterally;

2.3. Cat is obliged to:

- behave politely, respectfully and respectfully towards the Master and his belongings;
- to obey the curfew on weekdays from 23.00 to 7.00 and on weekends from 00.00 to 12.00, in particular: to walk quietly, not to wake up the Master and not to shout in his ear, not to ask for food, not to bite his heels, not to tickle his face with his whiskers and in general, to behave as if the Cat does not exist in nature;
- Not to fulfill his natural needs in a place strictly designated by the Master, otherwise the Cat shall be called a Cattleman and an Asshole and shall be liable as provided for in this Agreement;
- Pussycat agrees not to act hungry faint, insulted innocence and Holocaust victim in the presence of guests, because they already see his full bowl, fat cheeks and belly, and he is not a good actor;
- to eat everything the master puts into the cat's bowl, because the master knows what is good for the cat and what is not, and fresh veal loin is very expensive;
- Don't leave scraps of hair, whiskers, lint and claws all over the flat, especially on your master's favourite black business suit;
- never sharpen their claws on the back of the sofa, furniture and other expensive household items; remember in good time that there is a scratching post in the hallway that the Master has made for the cat;
- not to run to the litter box and noisily bury and drop everything within reach of their owners, especially if that's when their Master is eating his dinner;
- Remember at least sometimes that cats are clean animals and lick themselves and not walk around with their tails up showing off the remains of food they have digested, by the way it is forbidden to wipe the carpet with this as well;
- Do not wake your master in the middle of the night with a wistful howl, even if the cat gets lonely and dreams about the neighbour's fluffy kitty;
- not try to tear the master's hands, face or other parts of the body if the master rightly punishes the cat. The punishment must be meted out quietly and silently, with a face full of remorse;
- not to shit in the shower stall;
- DO NOT SHIT IN THE SHOWER STALL!!!

2.4 Cat has rights:

- Cat has no rights, only duties.

3: Liability of the parties

3.1 If the Cat violates the obligations imposed on him by this Agreement, the Cat shall bear civil, administrative and criminal liability.

3.2 The Master shall not be held responsible, because he is always right.

3.3 The basis of responsibility of the Cat shall be the commission of an act constituting a breach of an obligation under this Agreement and committed by the Cat intentionally or negligently.

3.4 Depending on the nature and degree of the public danger of the act committed by the Cat, the Cat shall be liable and subject to punishment, i.e. a measure of Host coercion applied by the latter to the Cat found guilty and consisting in the deprivation or restriction of the Cat's rights and freedoms as provided by this Agreement. The punishment shall be applied in order to restore social justice as well as to correct Cat and prevent the commission of further violations.

3.5 Types of punishment:
- reprimand;
- public censure;
- restriction of food allowance;
- Restriction of liberty;
- Deprivation of liberty for a fixed period of time;
- physical punishment;
- social downgrading from 'Family Member' to 'That Asshole' or 'Asshole'.

3.6 A reprimand shall apply to a Cat caught in a minor schooling or attempting a major schooling, which for reasons beyond his control he was unable to complete;

3.7 A public reprimand shall be used when a cat commits a socially dangerous act such as throwing its fur all over the flat, disrupting public order by yelling at night, getting under the hot hand of the Landlord and simply if the Landlord is in a bad mood;

3.8 Restricting the food allowance shall be applied when a Cat commits a socially dangerous act of medium gravity and as a preventive measure when a felony is committed in addition to the restriction of freedom or deprivation of freedom for a certain period of time;

3.9 Restriction of liberty shall be applied in the case of a cat attempting to commit a serious offence, such as stealing or attempting to foul in a wrong place or committing any other school act that could drive the Host to a frenzy.

3.10. Imprisonment for a fixed term is a measure of last resort, consisting of isolating the convicted Cat from the community by placing him in a cage and ignoring all his attempts to get out. Protesting cries of the Cat shall be extinguished by covering the cage with a soundproof blanket.

3.11. Physical measures such as flicking the ears shall be applied to Cat caught in the act, e.g. trying to take a shit in the shower cubicle. If Cat attempts to flee the scene of the crime, he shall be punished by throwing a slipper if it is impossible to get to him in any other way.

3.12. Lowering the social status of a cat from "family member" to "that brute" or "litter box" by ignoring it, not calling it "Moose" or "Pussy", or refusing to pet it, such as rubbing it on the back or the ears.

3.13. If the cat commits especially dangerous crimes against the state, such as terrorism, espionage, inciting to war or coup d'etat, sale of weapons of mass destruction, and also Genocide, ecocide and mercenary activity, it will be punished according to the current Russian and international legislation. The owner has the right to grant political asylum to Cat.

4. Final provisions

4.1 The parties shall be exempted from liability for non-performance or improper performance of obligations under this Agreement if such non-performance was caused by force majeure. Force majeure means circumstances occurring after the conclusion of this Agreement, which the Parties could not reasonably have foreseen or avoided, in particular, force majeure means natural disasters, acts of war, mass riots and other similar circumstances.

4.2 In the event of force majeure, Cat shall have the right to shit in the shower cubicle or wherever force majeure strikes if he is unable to cope with his fears or otherwise relieve his stress.

4.3 The Agreement shall come into force as soon as the Host has signed it and shall remain in force until one Party has finally caught up with the other Party.

4.4 The Agreement is drawn up and signed in a single copy and kept by the Host as the Cat cannot read at all.

4.5 Addresses and details of the parties.
 
 

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:)

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