[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 595
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You've fallen behind too. Nowadays, everything is measured by "that black box with the green numbers".
Nah :), if you're in the know, you know that the real guys just pay real money and don't bother with any boxes :)
so coincidentally...
It's much simpler now - everything is measured with a multimeter.
and measured in multimetres.
Pharmacy:
- 20 packs of condoms, please.
- Do I get a bag?
- Nah, she's pretty!!!
***
Phone call.
- Our firm is running a promotion: free sushi delivery.
- Very good! I'll have a couple of Maldives, please.
***
Photographer Sidorov has abandoned the Western habit of suggesting that those being photographed say "chee-ee-ee-es". He knows from experience that a smile comes out much more naturally if the people being photographed say "hee-ee-ee to you".
***
Do you know what the proverb "Laughter without reason is a sign of stupidity" sounds like in modern scientific language? "An indeterminate, convulsive contraction of the diaphragm with short exhalations through the mouth is an inherent attribute of an individual with an inadequate perception of his or her surroundings."
bulls, bears and DTs...
zeal and care. Like a true anaesthesiologist, which he was.
of all the drugs available to the people of Moscow, Vitya got a visa to Holland.
Having had his fun in the coffee shops, the explorer's soul demanded more.
As far as I know, cocaine is not sold in shops there, although it is easy to buy it at night on the bridges. But cocaine isn't exotic at all, and Vitya bought
mushrooms at the shop. He bought them the day he left for home. He ate them right away.
A few hours later, sitting on the plane, Vitya cursed as best he could - the mushrooms had no effect. "Liar," Vitya decided.
The mushrooms didn't work either later, when Vitya got home.
Hungry, he opened the fridge and decided to make salutary dumplings. With sour cream.
So he takes out the sour cream and it tells him... What exactly the sour cream was telling him, he didn't remember. But something clever and interesting.
The next day his sister came to see him. She knew that he was supposed to be back, but he did not call and did not answer the phone...
And she saw Vitya on the kitchen floor, near the open fridge, surrounded by slender rows of food from the bachelor's freezer. On his lap
on his lap were melted dumplings, which he stroked gently, like a kitten...
After a couple of days, Vitya withdrew, returning to work. He remembers Holland with great respect.
If a teacher at school asks you a question to which you don't know the answer, it's best to say, "I'm not going to answer you, Marya Ivanovna, because you're a bespectacled fool! This way you will evade the answer, cleverly change the topic of conversation, seize the initiative from the teacher and put her in the unfortunate position of excusing herself.
***
Talking about buying this or that new toy should not start directly, head-on, with shouting, "Buy-buy-buy-buy!!!". It's best to start with some distracting topic. For example: "Daddy, was your childhood hard and joyless too?"
***
Russian national triathlon:
1) Lifting and flipping the glass.
2)coming out with force from behind the table
3)footstand
***
Wife to husband:
- What kind of animal would you like to be in your next life?
- Well... Probably a dog...
- So you don't want to change anything?
***
A man in Odessa is asked before his execution:
- What is your last wish?
- I want cherries.
- But it's December!
- So I'll wait.
I'll continue on an optimistic 'note
:)